Get your own fucked up
 diary at! contact god The Old Shit<area shape=

2010-08-02 - 3:37 p.m.

Its annoying how when I'm upset I get so paranoid that I'm becoming depressed again. I think it's because when you're sad you can't remember being happy. Like right now I can't imagine ever feeling happy again but I can hope that by tonight my brain will start to delude itself again and I will feel all joyous.

I just feel rejected I think. I feel stupid. I was actually somewhat looking forward to tutorial group work. I thought it would be a chance to get to know some new people and maybe make some friends. And thats not like me. I thought maybe my brain was actually gaining some normal talents. But then they all got together in their little groups and I was left alone. And I know its my fault too because I know none of those people would have rejected me probably if I'd just joined in but I can't. I'm not that social. No one in that tutorial has spoken to me or even smiled. They all seem so solitary or attached to the friends they've already made. The only friends I've ever made are never in the same classes as me. I feel like giving up on uni but I don't have anything else to do with my life. I'm unskilled, excruciatingly shy, have multiple mental problems, am unfit and have no experience in anything. I am essentially useless. What employer would hire me? If I finish uni at least some people will think I've accomplished something but i'm sucking at uni. Last semester I only passed one subject and now the uni is threatenting to kick me out. I'm on their 'at risk' list and it enrages me because why the fuck should they care. They still get their money whether I pay or not. Just let me stay and do things my own way and struggle through my own way. I was feeling so good about this semester because I had this action plan and a schedule and tried to organise everything so that I couldn't slack off and not do assignments but now I feel so like shit it is hard to keep my motivation up. I don't know. I just want to curl up on the couch and disappear.

Frog is pregnant. This is her third. I complain my ass off about my life but I have no idea how she can handle her life with two kids at the moment, I can't even imagine what three would be like.

Aimzy left Nick..yay.. and now me and aimee are moving in together. That's another source of my stress. Trying to work it all out, it's so hard to get hold of aimee, i have to be out soon because my mother is moving and I don't want to have to move twice. I feel like my brain is going to explode.

I am shit under pressure at the best of times.

I actually got drunk and got to see Aimzy and Rory and it was godlike. I felt like a social normal human being for a while.

My head is thumping.

I believe I have vented enough.

Reality is nothing but a persistant illusion.

previous - next

about me - read my profile! U might scream read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a psychiatrist! Get
 your own fun, fucked up + free diary at!