2007-09-28 - 9:28 p.m.
itec finally got the point sort of after many break downs and in the end me not turning up coz i stopped giving a shit whether they cut my payments off or not. and they didn't, despite their numerous threats. and now i have to see a counciller human who isn't that bad and is trying to get me my own place by proving i'm mental to centrelink (have we heard this before people??? ha ha ha). She is like a pixie. She told me she used to get beaten all the time. It horrifies that anyone can beat a creature like that but it is the same with children. that disbelief that humans could be that corrupt and disgusting to hurt innocence. Or that selfish. I have had a lot of disgust with my own species of late. Probably because i've been reading too much of the anne rice vampire books and it makes me wish for something that would never happen but i bet it makes hundreds of readers wish the same thing. It gives an interesting perspective on humans. But i've always been disgusted with my own species. Not that i'm anything perfect. I am most likely as bad as anyone else. or worse. i don't know. i don't know what the standards are.
i like thinking. even when it hurts my head i like to think. and analyse. and figure out what people are really like or what i think people are really like.
i am meant to go to the doctor next week. i was meant to go yesterday but there were problems..stupid medicare cards. they want me to be diagnosed with depression and they want me to take pills but i don't even know if i'm depressed. like when i'm out of my world i am sad but that is not that often but the fact that i need a world like that to keep me going does that mean i'm depressed. or me not being sad that often does that mean i'm not depressed. it is confusing for me and extremely hard to explain to anyone else. actually i haven't even tried. i don't want people to know of my world. it is my business, not theirs. it is my pain and my delusions of grandeur or happiness or whatever, not theirs. i dont know.
frogs belly gets bigger and it is hard to imagine a little thing growing in there. half of me wants her to have the baby because i am curious about the effects of mother hood on her. and babies can be cute. but half of me sort of hopes it will never happen for my own pathetic selfish reasons. for the reason that i will not see her very often and that she will have completely new priorities and be different. i hate that i think like that and that i can be like that but i am. and i know she has apprehensions also. but we will see what happens and i am sure her baby will be happy and healthy and all that crap and that nothing will happen to it. which is good. when i say half of me wishes that it will never happen i dont mean i want it dead. i just want it to never have started. for her to never have got pregnant. but that was what happened. and that is it. i am rambling crap aren't i.
ooo shallow things...i have a new mp3 player so i can survive on varied music again and not have to use a damn disc man which always irritates that hell out of me.
i sleep eleven hours most days. i don't even bother applying for jobs anymore and when i do i turn down the interviews. i was meant to go to an interview at some law place the other week but i rang up last minute and cancelled. so i am getting stranger and burrowing even deeper into my rut or hole or whatever it is. and i wonder if i will ever emerge.
and i wonder what the effect of me moving out will be. and i wonder so many things.
and i wish i didn't have a body. or i didn't have this body.
i think i will stop now before i make myself feel awful.
farewell. i will return at some point. when i can be bothered with a computer. it all seems rather pointless doesn't it. shut up amber. that is enough for today.