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2008-12-24 - 3:33 p.m.

crying on christmas eve. wonderful. i don't know. stupid things set me off. people understanding or people being cruel. i wish i could get out. i wish i could be my true self but i don't do anything and i just keep wishing. and i don't think i know how to exist anymore. my brain tells me i'm illogical and wrong. i feel so trapped by my own decisions and by all the things i've done. and by my body. how can the amount of hatred and sadness i feel towards it not give me the motivation to change it?

and i'm missing my friends. i want someone to talk to. and i can't think. and i've withdrawn so much from that normal human kind of life that i don't even know what to do anymore. i just exist. i don't do anything. i don't accomplish anything. i just waste my days away. weeks and weeks and weeks.

i don't want to eat around my family.

this always happens around christmas. the wave of depression. i think its because christmas is meant to be all happy and joyous but i'm not. and because another year is almost over and i still haven't done anything. and because i feel even more isolated from everybody else. get together and hold hands people.

i'm stopping now. my hands are shaking.

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