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2005-09-10 - 10:45 p.m.

let me out of my own thoughts. they've taken me prisoner. thoughts own my of out me let. prisoner me taken they've.

thats not plasticine. don't forget to be the way you are. the only thing you can rely on is that you can't rely on anything. don't go and sell your soul for self-esteem...don't be plasticine.

me me me. obsessing over stupidity because there is nothing else to think about. but now i'm stuck. its like i'm in quicksand. am i even making sense. has aimee come back yet? i wish she would. have i said that before. i dreamt she did. and then when i woke up i felt sick and so sad.

i need a fuckin cigarette.

i don't even know what i am anymore. i don't have any goals for the future. i say i want to be a psychiatrist and than i think about it and i'm not really passionate...i don't really want to be a psychiatrist.

i wonder if one day i will run out of tears.

i wish aimee would come back. have i said that before? i think i have. i don't remember. i can't be bothered scrolling up.

i'm a wreck. i feel like i am slime. i hate slime. its so disgusting.

i hear no words. except their words. i want different words. can i poison my words. i wonder if i can make my words die.

i'll be your water bathing you clean with liquid peace. i'll be your ether you'll breathe me in . i've seen you suffer. i've seen you cry the whole night through so i'll be your water bathing you clean with liquid blue. i'll be your liqueur bathing your soul in juice thats pure i'll be your anchor you'll never leave these shores that cure. i've seen you suffer i've seen you cry for days and days i'll be your liqueur demons will drown and float away.

stop looking at me. you hate me most of the time. i hate disappearing from the eyes of myself. i hate not judging myself but i'm always judging myself so how can i not be judging myself. others influence i think but i'm not sure. maybe its not as much. maybe i'm too wrapped up in sadness.

walk away to save your face you never were a genius walk away to save your face you let it come between us yes its just the second night but i would break backsides for you. walk away to save your face you never we an actor walk away to save your face here comes the morning after. yes i know you're the jealous type coz i'm cursed with second sight.

i like trying to keep up with the song i'm listening to. i'm addicted to this music. it keeps me alive i think. sets me free from myself for just a while but then no matter i win against myself. i should start accepting denial.

its the disease of the age. its the disease that we crave. alone at the end of the way you catch the last of a song corporate america waits coffee republic and cakes we open the latch on the gate of the hole the we call our home. protect me from what i want. maybe we're victims of fate remember when we'd celebrate. we'd drink and get high until late and now we're all alone. wedding bells ain't gonna chime we're both of us guilty of crime and both of us sentenced to time and now we're all alone. protect me from what i want.

i feel lonely. am i desperate for attention or for friendship. i need friends now. i have grown accustomed to not being lonely all the time. it made me feel free. to be away from myself.

come on balthezaar i refuse to let you die. come on fallen star i refuse to let you die. coz thats wrong and i've been waiting far too long for you to be mine.

what the hell is wrong with me. i promise myself something and then i break that promise a minute or an hour later. can't i keep promises to myself. maybe its like a disease. coz people can't seem to keep promises to me either.

and all the centrefolds that you can't afford have long since waved their last goodbyes all the centrefolds that you can't afford you've lost faded from their eyes so be mine.

can i stop writing now.
please let me stop.

i'm going to rewrite that shit letter i wrote aimee.

final words..



I do not drink
I do not drive
I only breathe to stay alive.

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