2005-06-08 - 9:06 p.m.
i'm so confused right now.
frog hates me. i think i hate her. she hurt me. but shes been my best friend for nearly 3 years. we've never had a fight that lasted this long. and its gonna last coz neither of us will ring each other. coz i can't ring her. and frog...frog doesn't ring people. she doesn't feel remorse or guilt. at least with aimee we both felt like shit. like i know that sounds bad but it meant we were more likely to become friends again. but frog isn't like that. and frog could never understand. she just moulds to fit in with whoever hangs out with her. popular or strange.
i'm happy. but i'm so sad. happy-sad happy-sad. FUCKING PICK ONE.
crazy crazy crazy.
fighting with frog is what pushed me over the edge last time. but then i wasn't realli that good friends with aimz or izz then. well izz maybe but not really aimee. we were just getting to know each other and shit. so maybe i won't go over the edge.
i just feel like calling my friend and chatting but i can't.
i just have so much anger. and so much hostility. and i didn't care that she wasn't at skool even after she promised me and put our friendship on the line for that. it was the fact she couldn't even be bothered ringing me. she said it was coz she knew i hated her. what you think cutting off all contact will ease any hatred. it just lets it fester and get worse and worse until finally there is nothing left but hatred.
And i hate everyone coz they're all fucking assholes and i wish they would just die and leave me the fuck alone because they're watching me. i swear they're goddamn watching me. every move i make. i'm not freaking paranoid. i know. i can feel their eyes.
And I don't wanna be a loner in any of my classes. but people can't be bothered turning up to skool and my only 2 friends are izzy whos only in one of my classes and aimee whos in none. none. what the fuck is with that.
and what the hell is it with internet relationships. they're not real. especially when you're perfectly willing to lie to this person you so supposedly love. YOU DON'T HAVE LUNG CANCER. so why don't you shut the fuck up about this cam guy. i don't care. frankly i reckon you're a complete idiot for even thinking it is serious. you're a liar. you're as bad as i used to be. but you know the difference. 1. i ended up telling the truth and 2. i didn't have anyone there to tell me to. And you do. And you should. And you're bullshitting the poor bastard even more now. you know i'm gonna do. i'll tell him the truth. i have my ways. hows this? Rebecca lies to everyone to make her little life seem so much better coz she thinks they won't like her for herself. so she lies. and she can't deal with the fuckin consequences of lying. She even lies to her friends. i tried to tell her the damage it causes. but she is selfish. she doesn't care as long as people like her.
Its easier to run Replacing this pain with something numb It's so much easier to go then face all this pain here all alone.
if i could change i would. take back the pain i would. retrace every wrong move that i made i would
i am human as much as i deny it and as much as i hate it.
creature of destruction
another face in another crowd.
another confused person.
another depressed person.
another dead body.