2005-01-10 - 11:43 p.m.
ok i wrote a letter to renee lavis. Becoz that could fix a lot of my problemz if i could just talk thingz out with her. but if this endz up fuckin me up more. god knowz what i'll end up doing. wanna see it.
renee
itz ambre and at least read the letter before u throw it in the bin. I know u hate me. i'm not writing this letter to try and get our friendship back. i wouldn't do that coz i know u have a real good life now and i wouldn't want to fuck that up like i have everyone else's. i've been meaning to ring u or something for agez but then aimee rang u and i woz to shame to ring u back. she woz realli serious. she wanted sum1 to play with her hair. alright now to the point of writing this. my psychologist said i need to speak to you because apparently I have a lot of issue with u and what happened with our friendship. Mind u, i think my psychologist is an idiot and I only see her becoz they forced me to after i tried to kill myself (and trust me, don't try overdosing. they make u drink charcoal. itz so disgusting) she didn't help me at all. but i think shez right on that one thing. After we had that fight i became real depressed. it wasn't just coz we weren't talking. itz cos of everyone giving me shit 2. but that woz the main thing. and i know it wasn't ur fault becoz i started everything and i said the wordz. so yeah i'm sorri 4 that. i gotta ask some question. i realli have 2 know. i just gotta sort some thingz out and then u can totally ignore my existance and pretend we never talked again at all and i won't try to change that. and i swear if u take this leltter and show it to all ur friendz and laugh at me it'll push me over the edge becoz i just can't take anymore. why should i live. wouldn't it be better for everyone if i died. think about it...u wouldn't have to see me around and remember how much u hate me. and what a bad friend i woz. it would be good right. ok ok questionz. did u even care when we weren't friendz anymore or woz i never realli that important a friend to u? how much do u hate me...seriously? And lastly...did u know it woz me on the phone that day u hung up on me? Or woz it becoz I didn't say much? don't answer if u dont want. I just had to write this letter. I'm sick of crying and cutting and screaming. I want to be normal again. maybe this might fix that. But if it doesn't..at least i tried one more time. ya alwayz ambre
itz not the best. but it sayz whatz in my head. Now i just have to get up the courage to actually send it which is doubtful. i probably won't. I'm 2 scared i'll be rejected.
i woke up 2day and wish 4 2morrow, i don't want to be like anyone else, i don't want to even be myself. - marilyn manson
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