2005-08-14 - 8:59 p.m.
i need my world back. i have been denying its existance lately. where are you world? you make it go away.
there is this thing in me and whenever my mind touches it it feels like i am going to explode. and cry and cry and cry. so i avoid it. and lock it in a box. it is very hard to contain so much emotion.
i don't think i'm a good friend.
i want to hurt myself so bad but i fear they will see and judge me even more. they will think i am copying her. and that i want to be her and act cool. that it is all pretend. i may be a pretend person but i don't feel pretend feelings. i think that is impossible. you can act pretend feelings but never inside. you can deny all you want but you really know the truth inside.
i'm meant to be heartless. that is the thing about me. and i have to stick to it. death means nothing to me. nothing at all. not even a tiny little bit.
and yes cousin human you relate to me. i am your favourite cousin. than why did you betray me. its not what you said, its the fact you did it. i hate you. i don't want you in my life at all anymore. you don't understand me no matter how much you claim you do.
no one can ever fully understand anyone else. there is always an unexpected jump from their dreary lives to something completely different. everyone has to get bored with who they are at one point. can i change my personality. maybe getting countless operations to change my looks would make everything better. but that is lying to yourself. you look in the mirror and all you see is the lies and denial. you are who you are. deny it all you like. i deny who i am. i hope i become someone else. i would like that.
so many words said and they never noticed and never saw the truth.