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2005-08-14 - 8:59 p.m.

i need my world back. i have been denying its existance lately. where are you world? you make it go away.

there is this thing in me and whenever my mind touches it it feels like i am going to explode. and cry and cry and cry. so i avoid it. and lock it in a box. it is very hard to contain so much emotion.

i don't think i'm a good friend.
i don't think i'm a good anything.

i want to hurt myself so bad but i fear they will see and judge me even more. they will think i am copying her. and that i want to be her and act cool. that it is all pretend. i may be a pretend person but i don't feel pretend feelings. i think that is impossible. you can act pretend feelings but never inside. you can deny all you want but you really know the truth inside.

i'm meant to be heartless. that is the thing about me. and i have to stick to it. death means nothing to me. nothing at all. not even a tiny little bit.
breaking promises again aren't i. does it matter anymore. i've broken countless.
i wanted to die last night so bad. i refrained. aimee wanted me too. if she wasn't there i would've. i couldn't be responsible for her doing it 2. i couldn't say yeah lets go kill ourselves together. if i lived i would be nothing then. but i don't intend to live. no one would care but aimee. aimee is leaving for adelaide. so there is no reason not to now. but why am i holding off. why am i still talking about suicide. it should be better. you all said it would get better. why isn't it. why am i still waiting for all your promises to come true as well. did you lie. was it all lies. you never knew anything. you just said what you thought would make me live longer. you were selfish. how dare you. i believed you for a while. than it faded but i still had hope. what am i waiting for now. what the fuck am i waiting for.

and yes cousin human you relate to me. i am your favourite cousin. than why did you betray me. its not what you said, its the fact you did it. i hate you. i don't want you in my life at all anymore. you don't understand me no matter how much you claim you do.

no one can ever fully understand anyone else. there is always an unexpected jump from their dreary lives to something completely different. everyone has to get bored with who they are at one point. can i change my personality. maybe getting countless operations to change my looks would make everything better. but that is lying to yourself. you look in the mirror and all you see is the lies and denial. you are who you are. deny it all you like. i deny who i am. i hope i become someone else. i would like that.

so many words said and they never noticed and never saw the truth.
i hate lies. they are so useful. so convenient. they make me hide me behind something.
again and again.
don't you ever get sick of reading the same words ambre.
its what i feel.
play for the people human.
this is me
why here
because it is easy.
easiness is pointless.
why do they always say that.
don't take the easy way out.
i want it.
you can't have it. its beyond you.
don't say that.
the easy way is harder than you think.
it has to be easier otherwise it wouldn't exist.
not necessarily. they lie to you ambre. its all lies.
why would they do that to me.
because they have to. because they want to. because it is what they have been told to do.
who told them.
books. television. cliches. same words spouted again and again.
why do they listen.
they are nothing. they have no minds. no power. escape from them ambre.


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