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2005-01-06 - 6:34 p.m.

what happened to me.

i read this diary and itz like itz not mine. how did i change so much in one year. Becoz i wasn't like this. I woz weird yeah but not depressed. Not suicidal. Not slicing to see the blood run down my arm. And I felt pain. I don't anymore. I can make myself so cold and if i let go for one second i'll be crying again.

I've started cutting a lot again. I find it fascinating to watch the cut fill up with blood. Itz so beautiful. I reckon thatz the best thing about me now. My cutz. I'm cutting deeper . I used to cut so shallow coz i woz scared it would hurt to cut deep but who carez anymore. Thatz what i want. Hurting on the outside is better then hurting on the inside.

The onli thing that makez me smile now is twisted music. Being happi is like a faint memory. I woz hoping this year would be better but itz already bad.

What will happen to me now? I don't think I can take being so sad and cold for agez and agez.

Last night I ran the knife across my neck. It started bleeding. It felt so good. I felt so free.

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