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2005-06-15 - 9:30 p.m.

tomorrow is the big day when everything will be discovered.

1. Will frog actually turn up at school?

2. Will I be able to survive being alone with those pills?

Right at this moment...i think i can. but it all depends on tomorrow. what if everything goes wrong. what if people on the bus decide to torture me. what if i fight with frog. so many things can go wrong and i know my sanity is fragile.

i keep telling myself i'm a nobody. its like a mantra. again and again i repeat it in my head and hopefully i will begin to believe it and then if i believe maybe they will believe it and then they will leave me alone and pretend i don't exist.

if you sit near me you are not obligated to talk to me people. i would be quite happy if you just shut the fuck up and copied my work or whatever you were planning to do.

i'm a bundle of nerves.

Just another nobody.
Just another nobody.
Just another nobody.

it is true. don't deny it.
stop listening to what they say. they're lying to you. they are. you know they are. look at their eyes and all you see is pity and discomfort. don't lie to me. don't speak to me. either way leave me alone. i'm happy in my world of isolation. if you speak it brings down my barriers and i am left open and vulnerable. i don't want that. ever.
because weakness is sadness and i want to keep holding it off and blocking it out and doing all the stuff the world says you shouldn't.

i will not sleep tonight. because tiredness is not haunting me or slowing down my brain. therefore i will not sleep. and tomorrow i will go and pretend to be me again for another day. and smile at the people who say they are my friends and may say other things behind my back and hate the people who speak about me when i'm not around and leave their cruel words hanging in the air. for me to find.

Just Another Nobody.
Just Another Nobody.
Just Another Nobody.
Just Another Nobody.

writing in this diary lets me know what i'm feeling. because i cannot say it in my head. its comes out through my words. so i let the world read my deepest emotions. maybe because i hope one day the world will care.

but that is a desperate hope created by a dying person.

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