2005-10-10 - 12:56 a.m.
i don't try and control everything you do. i try and support you in everything your doing. what so you don't hate him anymore and all of a sudden i'm the bad guy because i find it hard to believe the sudden change of words. one second you won't care if he's dead and the next you want to see him. that messes with my mind. and now i'm trying to make you feel bad. damn you because i helped you and i tell you to make your own goddamn decisions. you tell me i'm annoying. thats the truth. i tell you the truth and you hate me for it. are you just playing with my mind and using me for what you want? do you even give a shit that i'm there when your going through tough times? like you are my best friend and now it seems i am the controlling overlord. damn you. fuck you. and burn in hell.
there i got it off my chest. because i'm a fuckhead and i just have to say my mind. i really want to die right now. i really really do. i've been crying all day. i can't decide whether to overdose or not. i'm scared.
it seems i'm a bad friend and a bad daughter and a bad student and just a bad person in general.
my dear diary i am sure you will be informed of my decision. i know i'm a coward but even cowards in moments of great distress will take action. i don't know. and i can't talk to anyone because i don't have anyone to talk to. frog wouldn't understand. and aimee is hating me right now. and who else do i have. i'm a little kid in a grown ups world. fuck this. i don't want decisions.
i need to talk to someone really bad.
i'm just a nuisance.
i don't want to feel like this. i don't want to die but what choice do i have really. i'm such a fuck up. no one wants me around. i'm so ugly and disgusting and cowardly and insecure. whats the use of me. i don't know.
we'll see what happens hey.
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