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2005-03-27 - 2:15 a.m.

just as my wall gets higher someone decides to bring it down. For all my ranting of late life has been somewhat better. But now...

its amazing how the smallest things can do anything. just some meaningless word. just a meaningless argument. but its got to me. it demeans everything i went through. every tear. and every bit of pain. i am not a coward. what i did was not cowardice. they cannot possibly encompass the amount of pain i went through. To end it meant nothing except freedom.

Aimee did something. I could've done more. I could've tried to stop her. I knew she was going to. As soon as she rang me on that night. But i didn't do anything. I just waited for that phone call to say she was in hospital. I've alwayz been a bad friend. I knew what she was going through basically, i knew the type of thoughts she would be having but i didn't step in. Maybe i am a coward. How can i let these things happen to my friends?

I'm broken now. Despair has come back. That emptiness. And I realise again the pointlessness of life. But this time no one will know. I wlll not let them see it. It can be a battle that is fought inside. I already know the outcome though.

The happiness loses.

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