2007-07-31 - 4:18 p.m.
actually fuck it. the stupid colours can go fuck themselves. i feel like rambling. i need to ramble. i can't ramble like i used to and that makes me sad.
i feel like i am losing my strangeness. my difference. i feel people are looking at me and seeing some one ugly but normal. i don't want to be normal. i hate normal with every part of my brain and heart and whatever. but to do anything in society you have to act normal. to get a job, to get money. maybe i have been acting normal too much lately and its starting to become real. like the guy who acted crazy for years to get out of a war prison thing and when he eventually did get home he ended up in a mental institution. i dont know. i think my friends are normal now to. i think they've grown up without me and i'm clinging onto what used to be. i feel their darkness is gone but there are still remnants of mine holding on.
i was reading back again. i've been speaking more about events in this diary then feelings. i thought i was becoming more honest but in fact i have become less. i am numb a lot. i don't feel happy but i don't feel sad and i don't feel angry. i just want to sleep. sleep through the day and night and watch the world speed by. i think i'm basically doing that anyway. they all become something more, i become something less.
i feel zoe and i are friends but it is nothing like in the past. she has so many other people who she talks to more and i have nothing to offer. i never did. the only difference is she went and found fun and i wasn't fun anymore. laughing and joking around wasn't enough anymore. i don't even get angry at her anymore. i just accept it.
and with aimee i care about her so much but we have nothing to talk about. like we meet up and its zip. sometimes i think maybe the only connection we had was the sadness and now that she feels better or is at least pretending to our friendship is fading. but i hope not. i really don't. i still have fun with her. i still consider her the best, most valuable friend i have. maybe when i turn eighteen we will do a lot more and be more sociable. yes. we will. good.
i think i have go it out of my system now. i am sure that the more i write my rambles will improve to the weirdness they were once before.
Farewell Diary.
Don't forget me and don't run away. Because I can find you anywhere.
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