2004-11-26 - 10:11 p.m.
innocence. itz beautiful. I watch little kidz playing and they seem so happi and they know nothing of the world yet, and barely know sadness. And I know that when they get older they will have the same problemz as the rest of us and I wish they would stay the way they are forever.
i was freakin out today. i can't be alone. it givez me time to think and let the sadness take over again. I felt like I was battling it all morninng. As if there is another person inside of me, clawing to get out.
I can change in a second. I can be crying, or so angry but when someone comez along i just act happy, like nothingz wrong. I even did that when I tried to kill myself. My friend came up and she woz asking what woz wrong and I just said nothing even tho she already knew I had done something. I can't show people how I realli feel. I can talk about it, but I still act happi. Like itz all a big joke. So no one can see whatz going on inside of me.
I hate the pressure my family putz on me to be perfect. They expect me to do so well in skool and go to university even tho skool is what is killing me in the first place and I feel like I can't stand it anymore. I used to be realli smart and they can't seem to understand that other thingz are on my mind and i just can't concentrate on skool at the moment. I try and I want to but I can't. I get distracted by all the thoughtz that are alwayz in my mind. I just go off in my world and think and write about other thingz.
People look at what i write and they are shocked and they say 'how can u write that.' they don't understand that it is what i am and itz how i hurt. They have never felt something like that, therefore they can't understand why i write it.
I am fake. No one knowz the real me. No one. I become a different person for evry1 I talk to so I will make them happi.
I am barely here anymore. Sometimez, I just look thru people and thingz. Like I see nothing but a faint blur of the person. I can't see their face, I can't hear what they are saying. I do that all the time now. It scarez me.
A smile can hide the sadness, but the eyes cannot pretend. They can only seem empty.
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