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2004-12-30 - 12:12 a.m.

i'm havin a realli bad night 2night. Real sad one. But i have to hide it all coz frog is here. Normally i would be sitting here crying by now but i have to seem unusually happi. Keeping up appearance. I can talk fucked up but i can't act it.

i'm going to explode.

i need to scream. my mind is going crazy. I just wanna rock back and forth tearing my hair out. I want to be a different person. I don't wanna act anymore.

I have this music on and I just wanna sing it so extremely loud because i relate to it so much. it sayz everything i feel.

Ambre act normal. u can't show what ur feeling. Don't. keep it in. no matter what happenz. can't let them know itz real. Not false. Not just wordz. A facade.

I am depressed again. Itz so much worse then b4. now it never leaves me. Even when i'm happi itz there. I can't believe i woz happi last night. it seems so long ago. after that i plunged into this big dark hole. I cried for hourz. No1 has seen me cry like i do sumtimez. yeah frog has seen me cry but not full on tearing my hair out, screaming kinda crying. I don't want anyone to see me like that. Ever. itz my personal screaming.

But i am going to kill myself. I swear. It will work this time. I won't make it another failure. I'm going to succeed in something. I'm going to win.

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