2011-05-05 - 12:24 a.m.
AAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHH!
You diary. You are my fucking outlet for when the rage and the fucking sadness build up so much I think i'm going to explode at someone or destroy something. Everything is fucked. I look to the future and I see no prospects there. And it's all about the negative. I'm so angry and so hurt and so confused and so stressed and so exhausted with this whole charade of being an adult.
So now I shall rant although it is hard to decide what to rant about first because there is too much.
I feel unwelcome in my home. I can't be comfortable there anymore because I know she wants me out and that's where this rant begins. It starts with a stupid rental breach for smoking inside which was remedied, mainly by aimee, and has resulted in this coldness between us. I don't know if she resents me for the breach or because I was not helpful with cleaning (I had no idea what the fuck to do. The two of them were running around doing this and that and I'm like the slow minded one going what the hell am I supposed to be doing?) And then out of the blue she's telling me maybe I should move out because it's gonna be super hard for me not to smoke inside. What? Do you think I'm a child? Do you think I have no self-control? That's why I got pissed. If she had just said 'Oh maybe we should go our separate ways when the lease runs out' I would've been sad but I wouldn't have been pissed. I just don't like people trying to fuck with my head. Just fucking say it. And then we don't have contact for like a week and I'm over it by then and send her a message saying we should talk. But no. She's avoiding me like that plague and I get the sense that it's in an effort to get me to move out because she knows i'm not a fan of isolation. But it's made me so determined to stay until she actually stops fucking around and talks to me. She came back twice last week and all she said was hi and bye. Nothing. Not an 'I'm going out but i'll be back .... and we can talk'. No acknowledgment that there is shit going on. Just in and out. And now I'm pissed again. Really pissed. I want to just pack my stuff and move the fuck out but I have a feeling it will annoy her more if I stay so I'm staying until she gets the fuckin guts to actually talk to me.
As for university, I hate it. I hate accounting. I don't know why I ever thought it would be a good idea. I despise it with a passion. But what the hell else can I do? I see no direction, no possible alternate paths. I'm living on no money. I can't pay my fucking phone bill. Frog says I can stay with her but although I would love to live with the frog I don't think I could handle having children around all the time, especially if i'm trying to do university work. Which is what I'm avoiding right now because I have two assignments due on Friday neither of which have been started.
And writing this, getting all the rants out somewhere, makes me feel marginally better.
I just want to run off, float around somewhere, have no need for money or work and just exist. But I am human and such things are not possible.
I think I'm done.
Congratulations on listening well.
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