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2005-06-01 - 10:18 p.m.

is this feeling of happiness actually going to last?
or is it just one of them temporary highs?
this week has been good. i cut myself but it was like shallow and nothing and it wasn't coz i was sad. i just wanted to see blood. and apart from frog being away again everything is fine.

frog is stressing me out. how is she going to pass year 10 or 11 or 12 if she doesn't do the work and doesn't come to school. if she gets the chance to get out of it, she does. she can't afford the time off. i could barely afford 2 days. and shes been off nearly 3 weeks this term if you add it all up. i don't think shes had more than 2 weeks wheres shes been at school for the whole week.

and its killing me that she can't come over anymore. coz of allergies. i don't think its as bad as they make it out to be. i need frog. i luv aimee and izz but they ain't frog. see and now i made myself cry coz frog is herself and its not the same if i go over her house or if we just go to the movies. we are just relaxed at my house. i've shut up about it now though. everyone thinks i'm overreacting. you can tell they do. but they can have no idea what my best friend actually means to me. and the only reason i'm writing this is because its unlikely that she will ever read it.

i'm happy but i'm so tired inside. of battling all these mood swings. like i was happy five seconds ago. when i started writing this diary entry actually. and now i feel like i want to die again. And i have everything i want. a group of friends. good marks at school. wait..not everything. i'm missing the whole image thing. and apparently thats not important. but is is. and i know i say it all the time. but its true. And every whisper, every laugh i think it is about me. if someone looks at me even i shrink inside. i want to be invisible but i want to be everything.

what am i doing to this life of mine?


i guess no matter how much i get i'll always want more. i'm just a typical human.

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