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2008-09-05 - 9:32 p.m.

Life is Shit! I'm amazed i haven't jumped off a cliff yet.

I got into the bachelor of science at uni. i dropped out within a week. You know, how when you are really passionate about something you don't necessarily think about the logistics of it all. thats what i did. love animals. always had doubts but thought i could manage. didn't think it through enough. didn't think about how i would handle dissecting animals and when i saw the experiments coming up i freaked. (dissecting a termite, a toad and a shark.) I also didn't think about the fact that i absolutely can't draw anything, even basic diagrams. on top of that starting mid year, the lecturers assume you already know certain things which you don't and its very intimidating. overall i'm glad i left and i will go back next year if they let me in. I'm looking at anthropology or english because they are both way more within my skill range and they both interest me. what was i thinking? i've always disliked science (except the theory...and even then only basics)

wanna know what else sucks? i found out why aimee hadn't spoken to me in so long. her bastard of a boyfriend nick decided she wasn't to associate with me anymore and so she didn't. it makes me so angry beyond belief. the only chances i had to see her was if i went to uni to see her (she got accepted too) but she dropped out on wednesday. i don't know whats gonna happen now but she says we will still meet up. I hate it that she obeys him. and he is a cunt. he is paranoid. he thinks i will brainwash her into being evil again or something. and he also says because i threatened to kill him. that was years ago and aimee had just tried to kill herself and it seemed to be directly related to him. i lashed out at someone and it wasn't the best thing to do but it has been a long time. his other excuse for forbidding her from seeing me is that she dated my cousin. fuuuuck. i don't even speak to jason. that is so irrelevant. Aimee is such an independant chic but when she's around him she is like timid. she was terrified on the bus the other day because nick might see me and her talking. it took everything to not have an outburst. mind you, i will say that she says she stops him seeing his friends too. i don't understand this relationship shit. i can understand being pissed if your g/f goes out with a bunch of guys and stays out all night. but banning her from seeing her friend because you just don't like it. its controlling and abusive and wrong. and they don't do anything by themselves, like neither is allowed to go clubbing without the other and they both seem to be losing their social lives. If that is what a relationship is like, I never want to be in one.

And the last shit ass thing thats happened. zoe's gone. she left the state. with elmasri (of course) and tasman. one minute we're hanging out and planning to hang out the next day too, then i get a text at 6 in the morning saying don't worry about it. later that day...i have to tell u something...we're going to live in adelaide. And her reason: i got drunk and wanted to see more of australia. BULLSHIT! there is no way that is true. that doesn't make any sense at all. they just got a house, they just got a bank loan, tasman had a good job, zoe was staring to (sort of) get along with her family, they had lots of friends and shit was going well here. they were going to go to the time out concert on friday. and then they just pack up and leave overnight. something happened and i want to know what it is. i would rather she left for a reason than that she just didn't care enough about anyone here to tell anyone. or maybe i'm the only one she didn't tell. i don't know. we haven't spoken much. she left last week i think, we had a kinda argument, we've spoken once since. i don't know. i don't let myself think so i can't be upset. i miss elmasri though. its weird. i didn't think i could get attached to a baby.

So there's my life. nothing to do for 6 months (i've half-assed started looking for a job again but i'm not doing too well. i don't want to be working when i start uni again), i have basically no friends, nothing to do, no one to talk to.

All those other times i've bitched about being alone, that was stupid.

Now i feel really alone.

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