2005-03-07 - 8:41 p.m.
i haven't written in agez
i've been putting it off because i'm scared everything will pour out and even my friendz will hate me. But I don't care anymore. Friendship is pointless and hurtz. I don't want friendz. I want to be alone. I don't want to feel anything. I didn't. I haven't for agez. Like I been numb and shit. Uncaring. And i didn't cry. now itz back and it hurtz so bad inside me all the time even when i'm laughing and it feelz like somethingz trying to crush my heart and i'm freaking out coz i want it to go away.
i'm really sick but i haven't told anybody. i mean like physically sick. if i tell them they'll make me see a doctor. i've been like this for weekz now. itz really bad. it hurtz all the time.
frog is putting me on the edge. i can't rely on her for anything and i've been helping her for 2 yearz at skool and nothing has happened and now i can't help her all the time shez doing real bad and no one else will help her.
And izzabelle is normal but she won't admit it. But you can tell that shez not naturally like us. She was forced to be different. Like I was. But now shez sort of trying to fit in. I could never do that because I know they'll reject me. At least she has a chance. People don't hate her as much as they hate me. Its not fair. I don't get it. I don't understand. What is so wrong with me. I had my little thing in my head that made it a little better but now itz all broken and my logic is fucked. It got all wrecked and now i'm lost again.
I'm starting to think weird 2. Like what if itz not the sheep thatz the problem. What if its us? What have the sheep done thatz so bad? They're naive thatz all. And they can hurt people and not know. I nearly cried in my english class today just because they were talking about people hiding their pain. Like i did. like i do. Nobody knowz itz back yet. My friendz think i'm some heartless killer. But really I could only kill by putting myself in a state of oblivion which I think i could do. And I'm putting on an act all the time. I can't be seen to have a heart.
I hate love. love is dumb and stupid and I hope i never experience it. Coz i never have you know. Not like that. I never have and i never ever will coz who the fuck would love me.
I'm stressed from skool. I want to do my assignment but my mind keepz wandering to death and suicide and imagining myself dying over and over again.
But if i die now, I will die not knowing anything about life. Yet it seemz the more i find out, the more i hate the world for itz cruelty.
i know what you people think of me. i know. i know. i can tell when ur talking about me. i can tell when i'm not welcome. i can hear ur thoughts. what u say when i'm not around drifts into my mind. I KNOW EVERYTHING. i know u hate me. i know u think i'm disguting. i know that i'm just some weird girl to you.
can you call someone with no emotion human? or are they something else? if they are, are they worse or better? is feeling pain good or bad?
ANSWER MY GODDAMN FUCKING QUESTIONZ.
i hate what i am so much. my personality. i can't help it. but i'm such a fuckhead.
why am i like this. why was i the one chosen to be me. i wanna watch me walk by and be someone else. let someone else have my life and hurting. let them feel it and then maybe they will know something of what i felt.
Aimee has a reason to be depressed. A lot of things have happened in her life.
What reason do i have? Nothing extremely bad has happened to me. why am i fucked up?
Being me is a sin.
i hate myself so much.
i hate myself more than they hate me.
i am pathetic.
i am a coward.
i am a bitch.
i am a liar.
i am a backstabber
i am a fake.
i am in pain.
Kill Me
Kill Me
Kill Me
Kill Me
Kill Me
Kill Me
Kill Me
is this to repetitive.
this is what is in my mind every second of every day. i laugh but i never forget. it cannot go away. It has tied itself up inside me and I can't undo the knots.
she looked the most peaceful when she was dead. It was as if this is what she had lived for. She had lived for her death.
The pain people are prepared to go through just to live for a little longer. For what reason? because they want to accomplish something amazing? Why suffer when freedom is just ahead?
I know why.
Hope.
Fucking Hope.
Stays with you no matter how much you reject it. I hope for a normal life. I hope to wake up and be someone else. I hope to wake up and it will all be a dream. I hope I will love someone and they will love me back
But i am delusional.
And I am wrong
Those things will never ever happen.
'But it just the price I pay.
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
I'm Mr Brightside."
I see a lot of pain in that song.
I see a lot of pain in everything.
My life is my prison. My death will be my freedom.
�
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