2006-02-22 - 8:57 p.m.
still sad. its worse though now. i'm meant to be researching for an assignment. its all bullshit. zoe's buggered off for two weeks coz some family member is dying. i suppose i should be compassionate but then death is nothing for me. jacqui says zoe is hurting but she hiding it. i wouldn't be surprised. i don't know my best friend very well.
she's still at it. not eating. she moved out though. never read that last entry. i'm glad. she does eat but she is so obsessed its terrifying. "Do you know how many calories are in that?" christ its a small bottle of chocolate milk. who cares? shes addicted to laxatives. shes taking pills all the time. fucked if know what they are. i think she's lying to me again. i don't know. i'm so tired of this. i never know what to believe. she thinks its ok though. that she can keep going until she is like 25 and she won't come out of it unharmed. that my friends is delusion. and that is an eating disorder. "i feel so disgusting. i ate three days in a row. as soon as i move into the new place i am not eating for 5 days. i want my control back." ha what control. you have no control over your life. over your mind. how can you think controlling your eating will make you feel better. to have control over something in your life right. makes you feel good. entirely up to you. yet why don't you put your life in a decent direction? for fucks sake i'm not saying abstain from sex, don't do drugs, don't drink. thats fine as long as you're not going crazy over them.
i feel so helpless. it is so tempting to find those easy ways out like you do. get into some obsession. some escape. but i can't. coz my brain stops me.
what the fuck is this world? ten year olds and younger are suffering from anorexia. they are so young. and they hate their image already. why put pressure on them to be perfect? societys already fucked up the teens and the young adults. leave the kids alone. they were innocent. now what? we can't eat because we have to look good. damn it. ASSHOLES.
i know i'm fucked now when blades are tempting to me again. how long did i think i could hide from it again? i don't have anyone there for me. i can't fall. then i'll die. she is wrapped up in eating disorders. kate isn't a good enough friend. and zoe. fuck i don't even know who zoe is. some sheep ass slut knows her better than me.
Save me from this life. Please save me. WHO THE HELL AM I PLEADING TO? god. fuck god. there is no god. they are all schizophrenics. who the fuck is there for a loser like me. my own fucking relatives are ashamed of me.
Fade in the Darkness Shine in the light
Daddys not coming home tonight
Mummys popping pills, screaming for more
Brothers raping sister on the kitchen floor
The dogs outside on the road dying
Uncles drinking in the corner crying
The babys got diseases, she's always in pain
Grandads got a shotgun, he gone insane
Auntie was a prostitute and now she's got aids
Cousin won't stop bleeding, the outside world just fades
Big Sisters on the roof screaming life is repression
And i'm hanging in the bathroom, a victiom of depression.
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