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2005-07-20 - 10:08 p.m.

so what can i write. that i'm dying and i can't tell no one. that these are just more words on a screen with a recurring theme of suicide and pain and crying. what else can i write. i barely know anything else at the moment. all the time it is in my mind. and i'm breaking down at school too. like today. and what can i say. help me. who is there to help. who can i rely on to help me? i have one friend who isn't there when you need her, one friend who can't keep secrets and another who seems to be in love with the ideal of everything i am hating right now. great friends. but not what i need when i feel like this. feel this nothingness. i want to cry but it's barely there.
And no one seemed to notice when the smiles became fake again and the happiness died and it was all just a shadow of what was real. they don't see it inside and they just walk away from me and give me silence which is what i want but not what i need. when i get silence the noise becomes louder.
people say for me to die would be a loss and that i can have a great future. a great career. a great everything. but does any of that matter if i feel like this. and i don't want to anymore. i just want to end my life again and i thought that feeling wouldn't come back. and its stronger than last time. last time it was uncertain. this time it seems to justify itself again and again.
i want it to go away. and i say it repeatedly and it never does. i want all my friends to turn up every day and thats when i am happy. when there is stability and i can count on people instead of waking up all the time just to find another broken promise. One that was never intended to be kept and seemed like a joke later but it hurts. so bad. why am i in a perpetual state of uncertainty.
Aimees the best friend i have right now and shes leaving.
and she should go. its right because this place is fucking her up.
she should. she should. she should.
i want to die.

and now the tears flow and i don't want them to anymore.

its all disappearing.

i have so much to say but my common sense keeps me from writing it in here. where they can read it.

putting your hands over your ears doesn't block it out. you block out the background but not what you intended to block out. that still filters through and it scrapes on your mind.

these songs are beautiful. so much is beautiful and i am not suited to it.

anger. hatred. sadness. depression. unwelcome. pain. suicide.

i know i lost, please let me suffer in silence, i've said enough please help me hide from the ghosts from my past for a while. - apoptygma berzerk

no one understands what i want. so bad. it hurts. but i can't seem to say it. because its not my characteristic. and i will never get it anyway. who am i kidding. i know. i'm not stupid. when they tell you to set goals they say only set ones you think can come true one day. so i don't set this goal. because i couldn't play any factors in it anyway. its not up to me.

i know the truth izzy. you can't fool me. and stop lying zoe. and aimee...i dno. you just make me worry so much.

you hold the candle i once lit. you shine your light when you forgive i cry. you run your fingers through my hair and tell me its worthwhile. its all worthwhile. even when i hate myself even when i feel your pain when you cry even when my heart is cold you assure me its worthwhile its all worthwhile. you see see what can't be seen. you repair the damage done to me. you see, see what can't be seen. you repair the damage done to me. - apoptygma berzerk.

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