2012-09-11 - 1:46 a.m.
My dear sweet diary...it has been almost a year. I am sorry to have left you for so long. I am determined to keep you going because you store so much of what i once was. You may contain only fragments, but those fragments remind me of good times. And bad times. And all those times I wrote for ages about nothing. So I assume you wish to be updated.
I am living in Adelaide now and have been since June. Don't get your hopes up, I am still an epic failure. I am currently in a short course but I very much doubt that I will pass it and my life is still as aimless as it has always been however at least it is aimless in new surroundings. I see zoe all the time and it makes me happy. I love being around her kids, I'm so attached to them now. She has four little ones and I actually hold the baby which is an improvement for me. The problem is I have promised family I shall return in December. I am so conflicted about it. I can only think about it for a few minutes at a time because I get too distressed. The horrible truth is I think either way I will be unhappy. Stay in Adelaide - have my friend, feel independent and different. Back to cairns - have my family, but what the fuck else do i have there. what else! i have depression and memories and fuckin no one. I love being here, but zoe will get sick of me..i think she already is and i am dependant on her here. i know no one else, i don't know my way around. I rely on her to take me anywhere because the buses terrify me. And when she is busy, i feel even more isolated. But if i go back to cairns I miss out, i miss out on the kids growing and even the fuckin rabbit growing. But if i stay, I don't see my cats or my family and i miss them too. And hanging over everything is that fear of missing the final moments with someone i care about. I don't know. It is so hard. So I refuse to think about it again now and I will suffer when the time comes to make the decision.
When I can block out these lovely thoughts I am happy though. Poor and uncomfortable with my housemates but happy. And now I don't feel like I can write anymore because I've let those thoughts enter my minds again and I shall have to work to push them out.
Zoe had a colourful themed birthday party. it was cool, we were all in costume. Tasman fucked it as usual but not as bad as other times. I despise him just as much, the way he treats her makes me feel physically sick. And when I first got here, he did something unspeakable and that is when I lost all hope that she would wise up and leave him. For the first time, I actually begged her to leave that man. I couldn't believe she would stay with him after what he had done but she said she wouldn't run away. I can't think of anything worse he could do to make her leave him. He has done everything horrible, every bad thing he could possibly do except fucking kill her. When will she realise? The bad far outweighs the good. It's too much.
Ok I shall actually stop writing now. It has been good to reconnect with you, my dear old friend. Let us not leave it this long next time.