2005-04-25 - 9:30 p.m.
Relapsed. started cutting again. It was just 2 tempting. She helped me remember what it felt like. Now i just want a blade. I found something that i was writing in last year. It contained so much pain. But i cannot throw it away. I can't throw away this book that distresses me when i look at it. Why is that? Why can't we get rid of the things that hurt us the most? We hold them close to our hearts and it takes something amazing for us to ever let go. But what if something amazing never comes along and that book, those words, stay with me forever. Colours Light Beauty Happiness It's all there Now I'm flying I can't remember I've lost it all But I don't care Now I'm flying Disappeared into the background. Hidden from words. Constructed a barrier. I felt nothing No happiness but no pain crying around me wanting me to breathe but i am flying now i am free. what is poetry? is it something that rhymes or something that comes from the heart? would what i write be classified as poetry? Or are they just jumbled up words from a jumbled up person? Does anyone really know who they are? If they will be great, or become a dark nothing? Does anyone really know what they want? And if status or money will matter in the end? Does anyone really know what love is? Or if they have found it? Does anyone really know what pain is? Is just a creation of the mind? An illusion? Is there evil and good? Or are they always intertwined? Does anyone ever forgive? Or is it always in the back of their mind, eating away? Is there a god? Or just a need to have a ruler? Do we cry for a reason? Or just to see tears? Does anyone know the pain they cause? And how words can hurt more than anything? Is it brave to commit suicide? Or is death just a way of hiding? Does anyone really make a difference? Make the world a better place to live in? Or does nothing matter? Do anything change? Are dreams just make-believe images? Or something deeper? Is there a meaning to life? Or is everything pointless? I want answers. Give me answers. TELL ME!!! In my words I say what can't be spoken. In my heart, I scream for more In my head, I'm going crazy What am i still breathing for? What wrong with me? Why do I feel like this? Why would it be better if i died? Why does hardly anyone care? Why am i so fucked up? Why am i so scared? Why do people hate me? Why do i cut myself? Why am i me? You can never be like me. Or feel the things I feel U could never know You haven't been through it. I don't care what you said. Your perfect Your popular You have a life. Forgetting about me Too busy You have no idea Why i cut my arms or want to die You say i'll get over it And i won't care about it anymore. that i'll forget You don't understand it isn't like that Take some time get to know me.
who am i? ambre who am i? loser who am i? lost who am i? unpopular who am i? moodswings who am i? hated who am i? freak who am i? cold who am i? death who am i? books who am i? angry who am i? troubled who am i? irritable who am i? insomniac who am i? used who am i? sarcastic who am i? changing who am i? emotional who am i? weird who am i? dying who am i? loner who am i? outcast who am i? hurt who am i? twisted who am i? crazy who am i? nobody Torture comes in many forms. Just because there are no bruises, don't say there is nothing. Everytime i leave the house. No matter where i'm going or who i'm seeing. I leave myself behind. And put a smile on because that is all people want to see. They want to be oblivious to pain and hurt. So let them stay in their worlds but there will always be people like me. What do u do when there no one in the world that can help you save you rescue you what do you do when your screaming yet no one hears what do you do when being alone kills you what do you do when darkness attacks you and brings you into it's grip never to let go never to escape imprisoned black claws slicing your arms tearing you up inside hurting you what do you do? i thought i found the path but it was just another dead end. i cannot find a reason for what i am. i cannot find the reason i changed. i cannot find me.
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