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2005-04-25 - 9:30 p.m.

started cutting again. It was just 2 tempting. She helped me remember what it felt like. Now i just want a blade.

I found something that i was writing in last year. It contained so much pain. But i cannot throw it away. I can't throw away this book that distresses me when i look at it. Why is that? Why can't we get rid of the things that hurt us the most? We hold them close to our hearts and it takes something amazing for us to ever let go. But what if something amazing never comes along and that book, those words, stay with me forever.

It's all there
Now I'm flying
I can't remember
I've lost it all
But I don't care
Now I'm flying
Disappeared into the background.
Hidden from words.
Constructed a barrier.
I felt nothing
No happiness but
no pain
crying around me
wanting me to breathe
but i am flying now
i am free.

what is poetry? is it something that rhymes or something that comes from the heart? would what i write be classified as poetry? Or are they just jumbled up words from a jumbled up person?

Does anyone really know who they are? If they will be great, or become a dark nothing? Does anyone really know what they want? And if status or money will matter in the end? Does anyone really know what love is? Or if they have found it? Does anyone really know what pain is? Is just a creation of the mind? An illusion? Is there evil and good? Or are they always intertwined? Does anyone ever forgive? Or is it always in the back of their mind, eating away? Is there a god? Or just a need to have a ruler? Do we cry for a reason? Or just to see tears? Does anyone know the pain they cause? And how words can hurt more than anything? Is it brave to commit suicide? Or is death just a way of hiding? Does anyone really make a difference? Make the world a better place to live in? Or does nothing matter? Do anything change? Are dreams just make-believe images? Or something deeper? Is there a meaning to life? Or is everything pointless?

I want answers.
Give me answers.

In my words I say what can't be spoken.
In my heart, I scream for more
In my head, I'm going crazy
What am i still breathing for?

What wrong with me?
Why do I feel like this?
Why would it be better if i died?
Why does hardly anyone care?
Why am i so fucked up?
Why am i so scared?
Why do people hate me?
Why do i cut myself?
Why am i me?

You can never be like me.
Or feel the things I feel
U could never know
You haven't been through it.
I don't care what you said.
Your perfect
Your popular
You have a life.
Forgetting about me
Too busy
You have no idea
Why i cut my arms
or want to die
You say i'll get over it
And i won't care about it anymore.
that i'll forget
You don't understand
it isn't like that
Take some time
get to know me.

who am i? ambre
who am i? loser
who am i? lost
who am i? unpopular
who am i? moodswings
who am i? hated
who am i? freak
who am i? cold
who am i? death
who am i? books
who am i? angry
who am i? troubled
who am i? irritable
who am i? insomniac
who am i? used
who am i? sarcastic
who am i? changing
who am i? emotional
who am i? weird
who am i? dying
who am i? loner
who am i? outcast
who am i? hurt
who am i? twisted
who am i? crazy
who am i? nobody

Torture comes in many forms.

Just because there are no bruises, don't say there is nothing.

Everytime i leave the house. No matter where i'm going or who i'm seeing. I leave myself behind. And put a smile on because that is all people want to see. They want to be oblivious to pain and hurt. So let them stay in their worlds but there will always be people like me.

What do u do
when there no one in the world
that can help you
save you
rescue you
what do you do
when your screaming
yet no one hears
what do you do
when being alone
kills you
what do you do
when darkness attacks you
and brings you
into it's grip
never to let go
never to escape
black claws
slicing your arms
tearing you up
hurting you
what do you do?

i thought i found the path but it was just another dead end.

i cannot find a reason for what i am. i cannot find the reason i changed.

i cannot find me.

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