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2008-11-13 - 5:26 p.m.

i've been reading my old entries again. they go on and on. just darkness. never appreciation. does that mean i'm selfish? that i never appreciated what i had when i had it.

why is it the memories that are the strongest are the most humiliating?

.... the teacher that made me run around outside by myself while the whole class was watching

.... the same teacher abusing me in front of people for not eating what she wanted me too when she didn't even know the whole story. situation was i didnt want their dinners at camp so i said i didn't want to eat. she put a plate in front of me, tried to force me so i barely ate anything. then this other teacher felt sorry for me and put a dessert in front of me. i barely ate any of that either. the first teacher found out about the dessert thing and came and screamed at me.

....the boys who were teasing me and when one of them knew my name the other one said 'you know her name, that's gross'

....throwing a temper tantrum about my friend leaving in front of her girlfriend. i was so terrified of being alone.

....when ben sprayed deoderant all over me and they were all laughing

....when they all walked out of the room whenever i walked in

....when they yelled insults through the bus doors

i wish i could go back to those times and change those seconds. those moments. make them different.

and then you have the random memories of those moments where you should have done something different.

... the fight with renee

... that time i walked out of school and that guy followed me and i will never know if he was going to apologise or not

...when aimee and rory went to jason's and i was pissed so i went home

...when zoe went clubbing and i went home coz i was hung over. or i thought i was. if i'd known she was gonna leave i would have stayed.

...all those opportunties to go somewhere or do something and not going coz i was too lazy.

...those times when i was about to speak but i stopped myself or do something but couldn't get up the courage.

and lastly those random memories that seem to mean absoulutely nothing but stick in your head.

...the time that womans pram fell over in the bus and the babys bottle was rolling down the bus and i caught it. i remember the feeling of it hitting my hand. why do i remember that?

...the time where me and my best friend at the time sarah tried to run away to be with the horses.

...the time when i was young and it was a new year and i wanted to roll down the hill but my friend said we were too old for that now.

so i've had enough of running down memory lane. i'm going to watch tv and melt my brain a little more.

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