2005-05-25 - 10:06 p.m.
when did being a nobody get so hard?
at the start of this week i had everything i could possibly wish for. and now i'm clinging onto nothing.
its the whole renee thing all over again 'cept its a different person.
i was gonna talk to her but i don't want to talk to someones back. and thats all i saw whenever i went near her.
hatred grows quickly in some people.
and now i'm dreading this weekend.
i don't know how i'm getting home tomorrow. i'm never getting on a bus again. EVER. they just had to hurt me today when i was already hurting and i couldn't be bothered letting my mind try and block it out. i just let it all come in and all i wanted was to scream and get out of that bus but i didn't.
one step closer to the edge and i'm about to break.
one more day of just seeing peoples backs and i'm about to break.
one more week of being a nobody and i'm about to break.
i dreamt i killed my best friend then i killed myself and while i was dying i could hear the sweetest music and i felt so relieved.
i feel like theres knives in my heart. realli thats what it feels like. i'm not being dramatic or whatever. and whenever i think about certain things they go a little deeper and they hurt a little more and i think they're going to kill me.
just waiting for my mother to go to work.
i'm so tired my feet don't touch the ground.
i was so sad today. even one of the teachers noticed. my english teacher. she is wikid as. she sent me out with rebecca andersen who i have to say is a legend because she can make me laugh when i'm just teetering on the edge. she can make me laugh when i'm crying and its strange but its her and at the moment zoe and her are my most valued friends.
zoe got a job. zoe got MY job. the job i applied for when i was the same age as she is now and they said i was too young. was it just an excuse? because i don't look right. everyones growing up before me. i'm getting left behind.
and what the hell is this world? where 8 year olds are hanging themselves with skipping ropes? and 15 year olds are shooting their friends?
can you honestly say you are hiding nothing and that there isn't something you've never told anyone?
shiny sparkly happiness. morbid brooding sadness. which is more appealing? which is more true? which is more accepted? which is more hidden?
kids in brazil get shot because they can't afford to live anywhere.
i am grateful for what i've got, just not for who i am.
i think i might sleep now. and maybe the dreams will come and i'll never have to open my eyes again.