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2005-05-25 - 10:06 p.m.

when did being a nobody get so hard?
shouldn't being invisible be easier? but its not because when you're a nobody you value the people that think you're a somebody a whole lot.

at the start of this week i had everything i could possibly wish for. and now i'm clinging onto nothing.
my whole life i've tried to fit in and i eventually felt like i had and i was happy and i was a somebody. AND NOW I'M NOTHING AGAIN. i'm back to that pathetic self-hating creature. and i wanna make it go away.

its the whole renee thing all over again 'cept its a different person.
i did the same things, made the same mistakes and i can blame whoever i want but its still my fault. and i can't apologise this time because i'm scared it'll happen again and she'll throw it back in my face and it'll just kill me.

i was gonna talk to her but i don't want to talk to someones back. and thats all i saw whenever i went near her.

hatred grows quickly in some people.

and now i'm dreading this weekend.
because my very best friend can't stay over ever again and now i've lost the rest of my friends.
and i'm so scared of being alone because i'm on the edge already. and every day i'm considering taking some pills or hanging myself or something and every day its more tempting.

i don't know how i'm getting home tomorrow. i'm never getting on a bus again. EVER. they just had to hurt me today when i was already hurting and i couldn't be bothered letting my mind try and block it out. i just let it all come in and all i wanted was to scream and get out of that bus but i didn't.

one step closer to the edge and i'm about to break.

one more day of just seeing peoples backs and i'm about to break.

one more week of being a nobody and i'm about to break.

i dreamt i killed my best friend then i killed myself and while i was dying i could hear the sweetest music and i felt so relieved.

i feel like theres knives in my heart. realli thats what it feels like. i'm not being dramatic or whatever. and whenever i think about certain things they go a little deeper and they hurt a little more and i think they're going to kill me.

just waiting for my mother to go to work.
just waiting to be home alone.
just waiting to be able to take those pills in the silence
and then i will go somewhere where no one will find me for hours and when they do find me i will be long dead.
dead dead dead dead dead
and free.
i wonder if i will get to watch the people i've left behind. i want to. i want to see if anyone is actually affected or if their words were all false.
i wonder if all my questions will be answered.
or is there just nothing. can you imagine that? nothing. not white not black. nothing.

i'm so tired my feet don't touch the ground.

i was so sad today. even one of the teachers noticed. my english teacher. she is wikid as. she sent me out with rebecca andersen who i have to say is a legend because she can make me laugh when i'm just teetering on the edge. she can make me laugh when i'm crying and its strange but its her and at the moment zoe and her are my most valued friends.
and as much as they are they are not enough anymore coz i had a taste of something and i don't want nothing again.

zoe got a job. zoe got MY job. the job i applied for when i was the same age as she is now and they said i was too young. was it just an excuse? because i don't look right. everyones growing up before me. i'm getting left behind.

and what the hell is this world? where 8 year olds are hanging themselves with skipping ropes? and 15 year olds are shooting their friends?
its a world thats losing the battle and the darkness is winning. and its all corrupt.
theres a story behind every story and a secret behind every person.

can you honestly say you are hiding nothing and that there isn't something you've never told anyone?

shiny sparkly happiness. morbid brooding sadness. which is more appealing? which is more true? which is more accepted? which is more hidden?

kids in brazil get shot because they can't afford to live anywhere.
children in other countries are watching their families starve to death around them
and here i am, busy wishing everything was different for me.

i am grateful for what i've got, just not for who i am.

i think i might sleep now. and maybe the dreams will come and i'll never have to open my eyes again.

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