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2005-08-24 - 10:32 p.m.

i don't want to go back to school. i can't be bothered doing work. but ambre you want to do this and that and you can't do it if you don't put in the effort. blah freakin blah. you think i don't know that. but i have no energy and i feel like i could just fall asleep but i can't. sleep evades me and when i get it its just nightmares. pointless silly but i hate them.

i have a wilkinson tied around my wrist. it is comforting.

i was meant to go to job interview yesterday but i felt so sick and so like nothing i didn't go. so i might have spoilt my chances of getting a job. i need a job. i realli do.

i speak to humans i haven't spoken to in ages. it makes me feel better. i haven't finished my suicide note yet. i let aimee read it. don't know why.

i don't know why i'm even bothering. i have nothing to say. nothing that means anything to me. why am i describing my day and my life. i know my life. why does it help to write things down. and why would people read a diary. is it interesting to read some humans boring rants about how life sucks and how they want to die.

zoe and i were going to go to the movies today. she never called. i don't know why. she's my best friend. i barely see her anymore. i don't want this. i want control. over my life and my world. but who gets the control they want. things just keep going no matter how much you want them to stop. i don't even know what i'm talking about anymore.
i don't think i can go back to school and act as if i don't think they're all a bunch of gullible idiots. i hate them even more now. i hate them all. me and aimz and frog, we're the only ones left in our little group. they isolate us deliberately, make up their own rules for us. before i thought aimee was sort of exaggerating but she's not. she's right. thats exactly what they do. i will treat them with contempt. maybe i won't speak. my words get me suspended. why let them even hear what i hate to say.

the world says tell the truth.
the world says tell the truth as long as it isn't to scary.
the world says tell the truth as long as it isn't to scary, distressing or threatening.
the world says tell the truth as long as it is happy and positive and doesn't make anyone feel like shit.
the world says tell the truth until it is asked to tell the truth itself. then it says lies are fine and are a way of life. it says lies are needed.

so what am i meant to do. obey the world or listen to myself and my thoughts? do i have to bend to their needs and their unfounded fears?

they say yes
we say no.
we are persecuted for believing the opposite to the world.

the world is nothing but a big tangle of lies and sadness and darkness with a few specks of light in places.

who's the light and who's the darkness? the people who tell the truth or the people who tell the truth as the world wants it? the people who express themselves or express themselves until the world says stop?

i don't know. i don't think anyone knows.

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