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2005-09-08 - 10:21 p.m.

i got an A on that english assignment..but it means nothing.

i wish aimee would come back. with her here i didn't have to rely on i do and she keeps letting me down. like she doesn't care. i don't think she does. its all nothing to her. aimeez like the only human i could talk to. and now i'm alone all the time at home. all i do is hate myself and cry and feel sorry for myself and get angry. and do nothing. just wallowing in my own sadness and patheticness.

i'm talking to shannon..about how we just lost our friendship. we barely know each other. i don't resent her anymore. she supresses and denies things. i actually feel sorry for her. she has a lot to deal with.

i want to stop crying and just lie down and die. i want to be hit by a car so its not my fault i'm dead. i want people to care when i die so that i know i actually meant something to someone. i want to stop wishing for things that will never happen. i want to be able to accept reality and stop running from it. i want to know that i don't have to die and that i have other choices. i want to be something more than i am right now. and i want to know that what i want isn't futile. but it is. so really if you take away all the things that won't happen...i want to die.

protect me from what i want.

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