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2005-07-06 - 10:07 p.m.

evening diary.
things are happening and i wish they wouldn't and i can't say a word. its fragile ground. i don't want to mess everything up. its best to stay out of everything.

and izzabelle. u think i don't know how much pain my suicide would cause. if i didn't know then i would be long dead. that guy might have done the right thing. if he kept going it could've been worse. he could've caused his family even more grief. And do not act as if you know more than us now. You saw a dead body. Wow. The world's still spinning and the world still doesn't give a shit about what happens to one small human. And also we all threaten to kill each other and you're the only one that freaks out about it. i mean come on. me and aimee we are freaks. and so is frog. and you claim to be one but i am seriously starting to doubt that is true. You are just a kid trying to fit in with somebody. Do i sound cruel? i'm not being cruel. I'm just speaking words and words mean nothing right. ha. i know thats not true. but sometimes truth is the only way to go or one day there is going to be some huge explosion and you'll never stop crying. maybe you should just try being yourself one day.

fine now i'm on the truth i might as well keep going and offend the rest of my friend.

i reckon aimee is going to make the exact same mistakes as before. i think aimee will end up hurt again and she will keep trying to hide everything that she feels. and i think she might end up killing herself if everything goes wrong and it is likely that it will. and i could not live if aimee died because she is my best friend at the moment. but the thing with aimee is she tries to handle the pain and not let any out. she keeps trying until it just becomes too much and she tries to kill herself. i think maybe if aimee went to adelaide it would be good for her but i realli realli don't want her to go. i don't know what to say. its all up to her to decide whats best now. maybe escaping isn't a good idea. But she can't keep this up. Don't worry 'bout me. I'm just rambling. it means nothing. ignore it.

frog now.

lets see. frog hurt me. frog made me cry. she made me want to die. i do not like that she has that control over me. i do not like that she does not stick up for me. i do not like that she does not have the ability to care. and i do not like that we keep becoming friends again when she breaks promises and hurts me bad. but then i couldn't live without the frog. i need someone who is happy.

so there.

i bitched about my friends. i said all the stuff i probably couldn't say to their faces. i don't know if they will care. i don't know if they will even read this. but sometimes i just have to say everything in my mind because it bugs me and drives me crazy. i still haven't said everything i want too but its all i can say without causing a whole lot of damage.

let me see. i will say something happy now.


bright and pink
and carnations
and rainbows.
and a world that is everything you want it to be.

can't imagine that.

how can the world be what you want it to be? the world isn't perfect for anyone.

everything would be better if humans just disappeared.

then there wouldn't be suicide.
because we are the weakest species of them all.

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