2008-11-05 - 4:07 p.m.
fuck it i'm gonna write more i feel down.
reality is blocked totally. like i only go outside every 2 weeks so it doesn't have much of a chance of getting in. and then sometimes just for a second it appears and i get down and everything is terrible and i realise what a loser i am and how my little world where i am something amazing is pure fantasy.
jcu called today and i didn't feel anything. how will i handle that many people when i barely been around more than one person for the past few months. i don't answer the phone anymore. its always something bad. i want to feel indepedant. i want to feel that i have grown up like my friends have instead of feeling like one who got left behind.
its a song to say goodbye
i don't know what to do. am i depressed still? i dont know. when reality is there everything is bleak. but since 99 per cent of my time is in the world and i'm happy there does that mean i'm depressed.
i think i'm going crazy. i honestly truely think i'm losing my mind.
and there's no one there. at 3 in the morning i'm looking through my phone to find someone to talk to. someone that will understand. and there is no one. can't call aimee boyfriend wont let me. can't call zoe she has a functional life in sydney. and who the fuck else is there? no one. i have no one. i don't know how to get someone. this is insane. i can't be like this for all these months.
and i tried. and i've been trying for like three weeks now and nothing has happened. i had so many hope. my brain was reeling. i couldn't stop thinking about it. it made me so hopeful. stupid hope. it didn't work. i'm still doing it but nothing is going to happen. is it because i do everything half assed and can't finish anything that i've started i don't know.
i feel like i'm on this shaky little platform and the darkness is all around me trying to tear it apart.
Will it break?