2006-01-09 - 11:42 p.m.
i am gonna add some of the notepad entries i couldn't get to you diary while the internet was being dumb.
o thoughts running through my head but most of them are irrelevant to anything at all. To exist you have to find the balance of emotions. In society you need something physical to feel sad about. Someone dying or breaking up with some random person you went out with for a week. its irrelevant if the world inside you is collapsing. to show emotion then is to be irrational or crazy or over emotional. to not speak is to not be sane if you look at it from societys point of view. you need councilling. but are words essential really. i understand the need for communication but now we overuse things. words are not valuable anymore. they are spoken for the sake of speaking. silence is uncomfortable. do we really need to talk about fashion or smalltalk. just to fill silence. someone who doesn't speak enough is antisocial now. What is the point of words if no one is listening anymore? there is not just one way of communicating. you don't need to say are you sad? or anything. look at body language. watch. most people don't need someone to talk to comfort them. they need them to be there. and everyone is the same species. we're not that different. we've just built more and more lies onto ourselves. built the differences. to hate someone who is not like you is not logical. basic personality difference and phsyical appearances. strip off all the lies and you see hundreds of similarities between people who hate each other. We are eventually going to collapse on ourselves. No one person can keep up a pretence forever. so the whole society backs the lies. We NEED clothes. We NEED this product and television, electricity, money and everything to survive. We teach people to rely on these things and never to be fully free from societys manufacturing. So what is freedom? not being physically chained to a wall and forced to do backbreaking labour i suppose. but freedom of our minds. with all these ideas forced upon us. how can we ever really make our own choices with them staring over our shoulders. you can't do this for no reason, we won't give you enough to survive on. shouldn't need a lot to survive on. food shelter. when was money brought in. basic needs swapped for other basic needs. who really needs money. they use it to get what they want or what they think they want. and what the hell is with my perception. how can the world hate me if i am nothing to the world. i am another human. not even enough to be a percentage or a statistic unless i do something dramatic or sing badly and get on a manufactured box which really does nothing for any one person. you've got to be able to see people as they are and fight through all their stupid lies. no one gets through mine now. there's too many. and mistrust is just second nature for me now. everything i am is based on what i have decided to be. except for the unfortunate shows of emotion every now and then. but they will be gone. you can bury them deep enough. yet that is bad. not healthy. who cares anymore. you think what you do now is healthy. you can't just dispose of something that is a part of you. but isn't that scary. to think it is part of you. a whole section of you. now i am going to speak like a real human being. like a teenager. like i am told i am supposed to.
i feel sad. i feel unhappy. i feel fake and pathetic. i tell people they are not pathetic and i mean it. coz in my world, my perception they are definitely not. i think kate is strong but the fact that she never cries..i don't think that is something she should like, i think it is something she should be afraid of. expression means more than being able to conform, be good, be strong, be unemotional. coz no one likes to be looked at as weak. they do not want to be human anymore. i don't want to be human anymore. i need to be more than what i am right now.
and that is all for the wondrous world of ambre and her fascinating, nonsensical thoughts and she'll still never say what she feels inside right now.
i need to write. i am crying. god knows why. why do i cry. and lie oh why. ha. rhyming through depression. gotta bring humour into it just like the movies. i have hated myself so much lately and everything i say. aimee is going out with collin and i think i'm jealous because someone cares about her. and people fall in love with her and need her. and she doesn't care. most of the time. and everything i do is stupid and boring and dull and not way out. and i feel pressured to get drunk and stoned and be confident because everyone makes me feel like shit all the time. and how can i respect someone who is constantly out of it, either drunk or stoned. i am losing my respect for aimee because she is so scared of reality she can't face it. and i have to stay here. and be with it all the time because of my dumb common sense. and i wish i was dead. i mean so little to anyone. i mean nothing to aimee. just some annoying friend who knows nothing. all her experiences are soooo much more in depth than mine and people care more about her. she just doesn't accept it or like it. but i would accept it and they don't care about me. i haven't been through enough have i. its all small fish. just teenage angst. why won't anyone like me or want me. why don't i exist. it just hurts. please i want it to stop. i can't speak to anyone. i used to speak to aimee but now she is just out of it all the time. or too busy with her own shit. i drive her crazy remember. being me. just a novelty. just something that wears off. better shut the fuck up now ambre because your words aren't wanted anymore. nor your presence. when your happy your annoying. when your unhappy your boring. when you want to talk its irrelevant. if i die i can't make mistakes anymore. and i can't feel. or be annoying. or be me and ugly and terrible. i am alone. my friends were my world and now they think little of me. being responsible is dumb in this day and age. wrecks things. wrecks fun. GOD DAMN YOU AMBRE YOU RUIN MY FUN! LET ME BE A TEENAGER AND BE AN IDIOT. FUCK YOU WHORE! don't fight back ambre it wouldn't be a good idea. you can't win. then tear me apart ok. fucking lack of courage is it my dear. you wanna act like different people than count me the fuck out. i just want to cry. crying makes no difference you idiot. Just rolling in your own shit. Fuck the hell up. stop talking to me. i can't. your typing. stop it. fuck you. fuck you. i'm real ambre. i'm real. i'm not caught up in all your little fake fits of happiness and all the lies. i am real. you are not. come on you fuckers. why have this fight now? why not. it needs to happen. she needs to know what an asshole she is. what a lying whore she is. you stay out of it. you know nothing. stuff you. who do you think controls her when she wants to give up or do something stupid. i do! well then don't. leave me alone for christs sake. i am one person. there is nothing controlling me. i am an individual. i like myself. there you go. fucking lying again. stop dribbling shit. tell the truth for once. let me take you again dear. i can make it go away. i can make it stop hurting. do you remember what it felt like ambre? they meant nothing to you then and i can do it again. bring down that wall. you have to let me in now or you will end up dead. you got rid of me last time and look what happened. you took some pills didn't you? let me back in ambre. let me. what did you do for her? you made her into a monster. i make you feel sadness but that is what is necessary. you can't escape from me. the wall is weaker here. let me take over. i don't want either of you. i'm happy. there you go dear. thats how you do it. FUCK OFF! you make me deny everything. denial is bad. I've been making her feel happy for the past few months. i made me happy. of course dear. of course. no no no no go away. i don't want to be oblivious. then its one of us. all those feelings. you don't want them. doesn't it just ache and ache ambre doesn't it. yes. but to feel nothing. isn't that worse. i don't know. i don't know. GO AWAY. STOP SPEAKING TO ME. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T WANT EITHER. well one of us is going to win. you know that already. accept it. do what your told girl. accept it. NO FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what the hell am i going to do now? pick one. choose one. take it into me again. i need something to cope. can't just keep it all in.
damn you fuckers. you can both have me.
colin is gone now. i don't know why i care. i didn't love him and i wasn't attracted to him. he was just my friend. but i feel really depressed and sad. i don't want to say anything. he was aimees boyfriend. they were close. course she is hurting more than me. how can i compare to her? but right now...it just hurts. she is at some party. getting stoned. so she can't feel. i can't do that. it doesn't work for me. and i hope this doesn't last. and i hope it is just a one night depression thing. coz i can't take the holidays being depressed. i just can't.
that'll do.
right now i feel lost and stuck in the middle of something i can't get out of. 'none of your business' 'not affecting you' these words keep being said to me. but what hurts them hurts me. and i feel like running away again and accepting oblivion again.
seriously what can i do?
you think so little of me you make a deal and break it. just because i'm not there to tell you to keep it.
you are getting yourself trapped and you're blind. you're the one in denial right now not the rest of the world.
change subject.
can't.
sick..
tired of it.
feel like just lying down and sleeping till all my problems have faded and i am a better person.
but who am i kidding?
A better person would have the courage to face that problem that seems to get worse day by day.
Souls So Attainted Aready With The World that they could Sense No Greater Evil
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