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2006-01-11 - 12:07 a.m.

its still there. how can i ever get rid of it? what am i meant to do? fuck not believing in a god. if i did i could i just might be able to pray and then maybe some remarkable sense of knowing would come upon me. what am i meant to do?

FUCK THIS! FUCK IT ALL! what the hell is the point of caring? is it always like this? life. the person who tries to help is seen as the intruding idiot. the cruel over lord who forces you to do this and that. i am not that but you make me feel like i am.

i am stressed. i am tired but i don't want sleep anymore. i want this madness to be over but then i suppose then lot of it will just come along. you said you listened to me but you lied. you said you would if i just let you but you lied. and you promised you wouldn't lie to me anymore but you lied. how can this be friendship? this doesn't even resemble friendship anymore. your killing me and your killing the remote happiness i developed and you don't know. how can i tell you that and not appear like a selfish bitch? how can i try and be there for you when it hurts just to see you now and think of what your doing to yourself? i'm crying but its not an unusual event now. it stopped. but now when i cry its mainly because of you. and theres anger. so much anger. but i said i wouldn't get angry at you.
i read over this and it sounds basically like i'm in love with someone but its not like that. its friendship. and friendship is as deep as love to me. it means a lot to me. but obviously not to you. you are willing to lie and break promises just to avoid something happening to you. you you you. i'm tired of you and your stupid problems. think about someone else for five seconds in your life. think i'm hurting my friend or this might be an inconsiderate thing to do to the person i'm living with. And for fucks sake if you want to think about yourself, think with some goddamn logic. doing drugs will eventually wreck your mind. on top of that since your willing to take any substance that is put in front of your face you might die. on top of that what your doing now is killing you. you may think being overweight is just as bad. and yes it is bad. you are right. but they are in no way close to equal. you are starving yourself and making your organs shut down. you are making your body not able to function properly. what is the point of accomplishing something when it means giving up everything else in your life? overweight people have a problem. they eat too much. it is a risk in their future. but the damage done to them is not the same. the solution is though. eat healthy. exercise. whatever i don't give a fuck. anything but this.

seriously. i can't live this anymore. i can't do this anymore.

if this keeps going on though, i want you out of my house, out of our friendship and out of my life forever. i refuse to do this to myself. i've tried being there for you. i can't help you anymore.

your trapped and now its up to you to get yourself out of it before you lose everything. i'm not the only thing at risk in your life right now.

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