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2019-08-09 - 10:23 p.m.

Well, as I am currently going through this trying to root out information that has long since evaporated from my mind, I thought I should add something and keep it going in at least some way. I'm not sure what the attachment is. It is somewhat fascinating, as well as extremely cringe-worthy, looking at the way I used to think. To be fair, I'm not that different now in some way. There are still all those teenage attention seeking urges but they are far more suppressed. I try not to gain myself attention, sometimes in a positive way, like not acting like suicidal/homicidal maniac, but also in the same way I did then - because I don't know how to handle social situations. It was never their fault. I read this and I blamed everyone else so much, and I hated myself for not being able to fit in with them. I barely saw them as human. But part of growing up, I think (fuck, I sound so old right now) is realising that we're all fucked up and although everyone deserves help and sympathy, sometimes you don't have the skills or the fucking energy to provide it. Or even the desire, if it's someone you barely know. Yet I wanted them to save me. It doesn't work like that. Now, this has gone places I didn't expect. I forget that writing a diary occasionally takes you places you didn't expect. I am glad at least I can spell correctly now but I'm 99% sure my future self is going to read this and think it sounds pretentious as fuck.

Okay, updates on life in general for my apparently judgey future self:

The beautiful, sexy, lovable, squishy, fluffy, sausagelike, purrmonster Arwen died last year and it fucking broke my heart. But she is buried in the backyard and she has purple flowers growing on her grave. She liked purple. I loved her, more than I will ever love most people in this world and I will miss her just as much.

On a more positive note, the best remedy for grief is distraction and I got a new beautiful kitten named Sappho. She is a very different cat, I still miss my sausage, but I have fallen in love with her too. A meow that could drive you to insanity though.

I am almost finished degree at uni. I am as lost as usual in that area of my life and I refuse to dig into that pile of crazy tonight.

Zoe is up to her 5th kid. Her partner is still an absolute pile of shit.

Aimee is too distant and that is my fault because I just don't communicate. But I hope I can help her. And she is a permanent friend, in my eyes, regardless of lapses.

My family are almost all well. My uncle, Bob, died but I hadn't seen him in years and I don't think my brain quite understands he is dead. He was a good man. He liked cats.

That is it. I should take this up again but I suspect I may have written that many times.

Sleep well, Diary.

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