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2010-11-02 - 1:34 a.m.

Rage. Rage. Rage. It's always about the anger. Always about containing the anger and keeping your mouth shut when the wrong people are around. It is all counter-productive and accomplishes nothing but then again is it not normal to feel strong emotions.

I don't believe in spirituality, in oneness, in all of the rambles about living on a higher plane or this or that and I have strong resentment towards that "guru" deepak chopra. When I listen to him I get the same feeling I have when I read some of the old entries in here. Like that what is being said is absolute crap but if you frame it with smart words and make it sound deep goddamn it sounds good and it'll sell but if you sit there and look at it or listen to it again and again you realise nothing is really being said. I don't understand this need for religion or spirituality. Spirituality is more tolerable in my opinion because tend to be trying to find out more about themselves, trying to understand how they work and become better and so on. Religion drives me nuts but I am not talking about that. (The God Delusion by Rich Dawkins totally rocks though.) But both have this need to make everything complex. I'm not saying life isn't complex. It is. But maybe life is life. Maybe there isn't all that other stuff hanging around. Maybe things are essentially simple and why can't we just live life without finding a deeper sense of self or becoming enlightened or whatever. I feel no need to but if I say that I am told I am just not mentally 'there' and that I don't understand. Aimzy said to me 'I get it that you don't understand. I wouldn't if I hadn't been through all that stuff. And even I only understand half of what he says.' Its like excuse me I do understand a lot of what's he saying..I just don't agree or I think he's talking crap. Tryng to sell cd's or whatever to people who want to feel better about themselves. If I can be happy with life, with myself without needing to resort to religion or spirituality what is wrong with that?

Wow just went into a totally unexpected ramble there.

I actually came to talk about how super distressed I am about university and the prospect of getting thrown out. I say it will be okay but what else do I have? If they throw me out I'm totally screwed and I just hope they let me change degrees because I know my performance has been way less than impressive and all my resolve from the start of this semester died fucking fast and I did worse than ever. We can only hope hey no prayers or meditating. Just hope.

It was a leap of faith I could not take
A promise that I could not make

And I'm alone now....

But not feeling too bad. I am good at blocking the thoughts. I am also awesome at not sleeping even when there is zero to do.

And to finish a delightfully evil lyric from my loves - Placebo.

I tore the muscle from your chest
Used it to stub out cigarettes
I listened to your screams of pleasure
Now watch the bedsheets turn blood red.

My Ashtray Heart

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