2008-01-07 - 3:17 a.m.
damn it. damn what i am and what i am not. damn being sad. and crying. for no reason.
i have a morbid fascination with anorexia. like i'm not anorexic. i definitely definitely not. i'm the exact opposite. but i have loads of stories and i watch and read loads of stuff about it. maybe its because it is so completely different from what i am. or maybe i am still trying in my head to gain just some understanding of the disorder my friend had or has. i think i have a little. like at first i thought if i yelled at her enough or if i made her feel guilty she would stop it but i know now that didn't do shit. probably made the situation worse. all i could really do is be there for her. because nothing i could do would 'fix' her. but now i have no idea if she has recovered or if it still has her. she looks better and more healthy. and i've asked her and she's said she's getting better. i don't know if she would lie to me. i think she is telling the truth. maybe. i hope so. i miss her. she is in adelaide and i didn't even know till yesterday. it shows how little we've talked lately. she comes back next friday. maybe we'll meet up then. i realli want to. damn this loneliness.
ummm spent new years eve with frog. we didn't do much. sat by the pool, played playstation, and when the new year came we popped one of those popper thingys and drank an apple cruiser. wow. then she spent four hours on the phone. it sounds pretty gay but it wasnt bad. i didn't feel depressed really. now she is due this month. any moment. it could happen now....now....now....heh. well technical due date is january 22 but like shit all babies get born on the day they actually due. i don't know if i will end up at the hospital or not when she is in labour. it depends how much other support for her is there. like if she alone i'll be there straight away. but other than that i don't know.
this OCD crap is getting worse and no one knows bout it cept like my closest friends and my mother. i can't be fucked going to see someone about it coz what the fuck are they going to do. u can't save someone from their crazy mind in my opinion. they have to save themselves or medicate themselves. one or the other. i don't know. i hate it that i'm that pathetic and neurotic. like i have to do most things three or seven times. and i check closets and rooms many many times each night...why..i dont know. i cut the skin off the sides of my nails till it bleeds. i have to burn myself with a cigarette every time i fuckin light one. not like bad. but still stupid. i keep rubbish like empty bottles because i feel guilty if i throw them out. every night i go through my little ritual which takes half an hour. and partly includes going through every horror movie i've ever seen. and i say a prayer which is even dumber because i don't believe in any god and i made the thing up when i was like seven so it still includes me asking for the protection of my father grandfather and cat who are all dead now. i could go on forever about the different strange things i do. and what realli honestly scares me is that i've heard it gets worse as u get older so if i'm this bad now what will i end up as???
and why am i so dependant on everybody?
and why can't i move out?
and what can't i seem to do anything?
and why don't i go outside?
and why don't i have a life?
and why am i so lonely?
and why won't it all go away????