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2007-12-31 - 1:38 a.m.

well its been a while and i feel like talking to someone and since all breathing humans aren't realli people i want to confide in anymore i will speak to you.

christmas has come and gone. it was pretty much boring. my family all gave me money which is good because it means i don't have to fake glee over crap presents but bad because it means i am one of those people u can't buy for because u don't know them. i got a new playstation (well didn't get as a gift..i actually bought it myself) and the most awesome game in existance - soul calibur three. actually the second one is better but me and frog clocked that one. there was also a cactus and pretty coloured cigarettes which i meant to save for special occasions but didn't.

i cried for hours in the very early hours of christmas. big events are depressing.

meeting with the family was...strange. i was isolated from them as usual. stood in a corner for an hour. barely spoke. but it cheered me up to watch my family because they seemed so happy and stuff and i don't know. jason got engaged to his girl naomi and i suppose shes better than a lot but her ooooooo wow happy happiness does annoy me sometimes.

zoe stayed over on christmas night. actually she's basically been here since then. which is good. company. her boyfriend human stayed a couple nights too. i don't mind him. but yeah there was like a huge fight at her place on christmas between her man and her dad and now her familys like mad at her for staying with him and saying shes on his side. but shes not realli. she thinks they were both idiots that day. shes due in a couple of weeks. its freaky.

i haven't seen aimee in ages. i miss her. she has a new best friend now. i think i'm jealous. thats realli pathetic.

its technically new years eve today. that depresses me. i feel like such a complete loser. like it has been a whole year and i have done shit all. nothing. the onli possible achievement is that i did get my learners. (did you know that diary). but i haven't actually bothered getting behind the wheel of a car yet. and sort of one of the reasons i did it was so i would get it before my cousin because hes always better than me. but noooo of course he got it before me. wow. ur so special cuz. nah u know i care bout him. i just wish he would speak to me again and stop hating me.

but anyways back to new years eve depressing me. zoe has said she will hang with me now which is a positive. at least i won't be a complete loner. but like last new years was awesome and so was the one before that. me and my friends got together and hung out and it was fun. fun. fun. and this year its all so different. its like we're all barely friends anymore. everyone is going their separate ways and you have no idea how sad that makes me. i miss them. i miss rory and aimee. but whats fucked up is i miss the old them as well. i miss the dark aimee who i felt i could talk to about absolutely anything and it was ok. and the happy happy rory who always wanted to hang out and always cheered u up when u were down. the people that i didn't feel like a complete loser around. and i know that they've made their lifes better now and thats why they've changed and i should be happy for them but i can't because i miss them. and i never see them. which is my fault mainly i suppose. i haven't seen rory in months and months. and basically the same with aimz. i am so stuck in this rut now and i am alone. that is the overwhelming feeling that consumes everything. alone. alone. alone. before it was sad but with friends who had that in common. but now. its so different. its all so different. and i hate it. damn my selfish soul. i just want to disappear. i think i am. its like were the personalities and characters of the friends i loved just fads. just passing things. not who they truly were. would i be that blind to miss that. i don't know. i'm confused. i want people to stop growing up and moving on when i'm still here. why haven't i gone and created my own opportunities and all that shit and given myself a life? ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

and on top of all this wonderful inner conflict i have to go back to itec on january eleven. i would rather die than do that.

i'm crying now

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