2005-01-15 - 5:13 a.m.
i know i write a lot of shit in this diary. any1 who readz it probably thinkz i'm some overdramatic bitch who wantz everyone to pay attention to her and wantz everyone to feel sorri for her.
i don't.
i write what i feel. this is the one thing i haven't lied to. yeah i say kill me an awful lot. And that i'm going to kill myself. But at the time i write it that is what i want.
i'm tired.
i have to get up in 5 hourz. But i won't go to bed until dawn. Thatz the onli time i can sleep. Unless i'm totally exhausted. so i'll be awake for another half an hour.
i had a bad night 2night.
frog came over. she woz dead tired. she wouldn't speak. And then she went to bed. And i like totally broke down. So she got back up and we chatted for agez. Now shez asleep. I feel somewhat normal. Not depressed.
I feel guilty for trying to kill myself now. I keep imagining my mother on that day walking..looking forward to getting home and relaxing. And then this car pullz up beside her and she findz out her daughter tried to kill herself. She'd got fish and chipz that day. For the first time in agez. To cheer me up.
But it woz going to happen. I was just waiting to be set off.
I haven't sent that letter. I don't think i ever will.
i have to sleep over frogz on sunday night. i want to but i'm kinda scared. Because if I get like i do sumtimez at her house then everything'll be a mess.
i had another diary. i think i might get rid of it tho'. I made it so that certain ppl i know would get offended by what i write. But now everyone that i didn't want to see it..has. So itz exactly like this one now. I can't write what I want. I can't write about them secret little thingz in the back of my mind that i've never told anyone about.
i'm wiccan. have i ever mentioned that b4. i believe in all that stuff. Aimee came over and we did this self-dedication ritual. Fuckin funni. Coz we weren't realli prepared so it didn't go veri well.
I sumtimez think that everything I am is an act. Sometimez i think all the depressed shit i say is just to get attention but when i start hurting i remember that itz not. That itz what i write when i feel that way. But when itz not there it all seemz so false. Am i realli goth? Am i just doing it to impress my friendz and scare other people away? I don't think so. I like black. I luv the goth look. I know itz not that outrageous or different anymore. I just like it. Like people like looking like slutz. It comez naturally.
I'm quick to judge. If i see a girl in a skirt, pinktop, makeup and a whole lot of lip gloss i'll automatically label them a sheep. Mind you, I'm normally right. But there are exceptionz. Is it because I hate the world that people hate me? I know that I often make people hate me that could actually be my friendz. Like they wouldn't care what i looked like. But i say the twisted shit which is in my head and scare them away. so what. why should i have to act just to get friendz.
this is probably the most boring entry ever. very long.
frog is incapable of sympathy. of compassion. if ur hurting she'll just sit there and u end up feeling guilty for hurting at all. And frog if ur reading this i'm not insulting u. Just speaking the truth. U know what ur like. But ur still my best friend.
Aimee gave frog this pretti bracelet. Frog couldn't get it on. coz u have to slide it over ur hand. But after about 20 minutez of twisting and pushing, it went on. Now it won't come off. lol.
Skool in 9 dayz. Still terrified. I'm gonna start walking home even tho itz a long way. I can't get on crowded buses anymore. i'm 2 scared. thatz what pushed me over the edge last time..well it woz a major factor.
I'm still young. I don't want to have to act all grown up yet. I don't want a job. Yet i'm looking 4 one because i need money. I'll prolly get fired. I know i'll suck. oh well. it'll be worth a try.
The sunz coming up. I'm going to sleep.
Have fun y'all.
Don't let the murderers bite.
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