2005-07-04 - 9:04 p.m.
there is so much i want to get off my chest. but i can't. not in this diary. too many people read it and the wrong people would find out the wrong things. i might write it in my other one. if i can ever be bothered. but then i realli need to say everything i can't say.
the only happiness i find now is in my worlds. i run away to them at every oppurtunity i get. i didn't sleep. 5 hours in my world. and it made me happy but it killed my brain coz i found places that i'd forgotten existed and i reenacted moments that i had blocked out of my memory. my friend used to be my life and make me happy and laugh but thats gone now. i don't know why. yes i enjoy being around them more than i enjoy being around myself and they mean a lot but...sometimes i just want them all to go away and let me scream. coz everyone sees me in a different way and assume things and they have no idea who the fuck i am. And i have so much anger. and hatred. i tried to kill it but it didn't go away and it is the only reason i am still sane. If i do not hate i cry. and want to die.
but i have been thinking more and more of killing them all lately. and wondering if it is worth it. and if i would kill myself afterwards. and if i didn't would it haunt me in my future life. would i regret every step i ever took. and regret everything i became. but how can i regret something that was basically out of my control. i say basically because i suppose i could've stopped everything. they all say it like it so goddamn easy. but its not. its not easy to be something that is just not in your nature. i wonder who the hell i am a lot now. i stand and look in the mirror for so long and i hate myself so much and i never find out anything. all i see is a liar who lives in a fantasy world and has dreams that will never come true. and i think of all these things and i just want to leave so bad and i feel guilty about it. but i shouldn't feel guilty. because everyone is running from some obstacle. and just because they don't want me to run doesn't mean i shouldn't. In the words of linkin park 'its easier to run'. why do we always have to try and try and i'm so damn sick of trying to overcome that damn obstacle. i just want to runaway from it and fall somewhere and never come back. i think about that. just leaving them. not dying. leaving. and not coming back. but where the hell would i go. and what the hell would i do. I hate living here. I hate it so much but i have everything i should want. And more. and everyone says i'm lucky. its more complicated than that. you have to look deeper and analyse the dynamics of the whole world i live in. yes my mother is nice and i tell her things but thats just creates bigger fights and creates a whole lot more hatred i don't need. i keep imagining if i'd never done that one thing. made that one choice. would my life be so completely different. it would. and i hate to think that. Yes People make mistakes but they should be able to fix their dumbass mistakes. let me go back and change that one moment. and god forbid nothing much really happened to me. no they say. it was nothing. it was just a fucking joke. do i care. my mind is created. and i can't help being afraid of things and i hate being laughed at for that. and the scepticism. you make me want to die more. but no i shouldn't write this in this particular diary because the world can see it and the world is too judgemental and humans are so dumb. and they make the same mistakes that have been made before and they never learn. and why don't they show suicide on the news. it creates awareness. why do they lock us in the shadows.
why do i say i will do things and i never do.
and in my worlds i break their opinions of me. i become something that they would want to be and i am better than them. I AM BETTER THAN THEM. and it such a freaking lie. it could never ever happen.
fuck i'm going to say everything so i'm to shut up.
enough said.
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