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2005-06-08 - 10:02 p.m.

i had to write more.

you see i have nothing else to do. i'm just wasting away the time before i attempt to sleep.
attempt to dream.

i just want my best friend back and i want her to stay over again alright.
i admit it.
and i think i'm so mad at her coz of that 2.

how can people be so confident?

maybe its because they don't hate themselves. not realli. they say they reckon they're ugly but they don't believe it. and they say they're dumb when they know they're not coz everyone wants assurance. everyone was someone to think of them as something good. who wants to be worthless?


at school i'm happy.
at home i'm crying
just crying
always crying
unless theres someone there. but even that didn't help last night. last night despair crept up on me. And aimz was there. and i tried not to let her see but she would have had to be blind not to notice.
coz i fought with frog on the phone. i hung up on her. she was so cruel. she didn't care at all. there was no emotion in her voice. you know how that feels. when you stress about someone and they don't even care at all.
but maybe she holds it all inside. but wouldn't you see something. me and aimz we can tell the sadness coz we've felt it. and frog doesn't have that sadness in her. she just has nothing.

Have you ever been cracking up laughing and then you just feel this wave of sadness hit you? coz you know the happiness is gonna go away and its no gonna be beside you for much longer. and that in itself steals the happiness and after that the laughing is just an act until you forget again. a constant cycle.

i keep saying if they knew the pain they caused me they would be sorry? but would they. really. do they care. maybe they knew the whole time how much it hurt. maybe sheep can be sadists too. i still don't get it though. i doubt i ever will. but i'm sure i'll keep analysing it and i won't let it pass me by.

theres gonna be a weekend where someone won't come over.
might be this one.
izzy wants aimee to come over her house.
fine. izzabelle. whateva you want.

i'm so scared of the holidays. i don't want them. like a long long weekend. and there will definitely be some moments of isolation.
and i'll cry even more. more tears. and i hate them. and i wish they would go away. but they won't. and they all know aimees fucked up. and they all know izzys fucked up. and they even think frogs fucked up. but not me. i'm just quiet. i'm just shy. i'm not depressed or suicidal. they'll never help me because i'm not looking for it but i want it. so so bad
and we were walking along and they were all saying hi to her. but not to me. like yeah they directed it at the both of us. but they would never have said it if she wasn't there. see there must be something wrong with me. there has to be. am i deformed or something.

and aimee must think i'm a wuss coz shes real brave and all and i feel so inferior to her.


enough complaining
enough bitching

enough being human for the night
i'm going to drift away to a world that likes me now.

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