2007-10-08 - 3:11 p.m.
do u know what i've realised? i'm no ones best friend anymore. no ones. i've lost them all and i am alone. always alone. and not needed. and irrelevant. and i hate it. and i'm scared. and i'm crying.
i want them to need me again. doesn't that sound stupid? i know zoe hasn't needed me as a friend for ages. i dont know if she ever did. but i sorta thought aimee did. just a little. but she didnt. she always had rory. i was just a fucking obligation. she doesn't need me to talk to and she hasn't for a long time. and rory, well i was just aimee's friend that he had to be friends with as well. i hate them for hating me and i hate me for hating them. why does it all have to change? why dont i change? why am i the same? i saw rory for the first time in six months on saturday. and i felt like he just...i dont know..knew i was the same and that i was boring and didn't want to speak to me. and then of course i get drunk and throw up for ages...good one amber. i actually liked speaking to anthony more. i've decided i don't dislike him. i only did because aimee said he was a prick and i believed her. but now i think hes alright.
fuck i'm lonely.
i want someone to love me. but i am not delusional.
it is the first time in a long time i have seriously considered dying. to get away. because it would make no difference. because i hate everything i've become which is nothing because i am the same loser. the same personality. the same looks. doing the same things. i dont change. i hate myself so much. so so much. and they hate me too and they think i'm boring. and i want it to stop. and i want it to go backwards. i can't do this, i can't live like this. what if it never stops. what if i'm like this forever and ever and ever. always boring. always a loser. never loved. never in love. always eternally alone. oh god i can't handle that. it'll be like that wont it? the same. i should die. i should be gone. i am utterly useless to everyone. i am a drain on society.
if i do decide to die which knowing my cowardice i probably wont i would actually make sure i did it this time. no pathetic half assed attention seeking attempts. if i decide to die, i will die.
it hurts too much now.
i am alone. always. eternally. alone.