2005-09-23 - 11:30 p.m.
my diary i have missed you. i have been dwelling on my own sadness for these weeks. the last 2 weeks of my life have been complete hell but i don't even know it. i was numb. i didn't feel happiness nor sadness and it was strange. i was bored but there were things i could do but i didn't do them.
aimee is coming back. hurrah hurrah. that does cheer me up but right now i feel like a nothing. i am scared that when she does come back i won't appreciate it and i'll be the same fuckwit as before. i am dying to change myself and do things i haven't done before. i want a new beginning but i don't where the start line is.
aimee will be back tomorrow. she is staying with me for 6 months. i hope i do not end up annoying the fuck out of her. when she leaves back to adelaide i want to go with her. i can go with her and maybe that will be a new start. like i always say stuff like i am going to leave and shit and never go through with it. maybe i should go through with that one thing. maybe i should at least try it. it would be a new school and according to aimz there would be more goths. plus i would get the chance to be independent. and i know i have my whole life to do that and that blah freakin blah i'm just a kid and i don't know anything about life and how good i really have it but i want to know about real life. not the fabricated world i live in now. you never know anything till you actually have to live and depend on yourself. figure out everything for yourself and not rely on your parents. most teenagers now..they think they are so great because they have sex, get wasted, and do drugs. they are rebelling but rebelling against what. we do not live in a dictatorship. they are rebelling against their whom they live off and depend on still. a lot of them could not handle it if they did not have their parents' money to rely on. so i want to be real for a while and have confidence in myself. just leaving cairns could give me confidence. not having to rely on anyone and all that. if i could do that it would help me. i know it. make me feel better inside. i don't know. i think i am having a big ramble and trying to justify my ideas. i am serious about this stuff though. coz i need to do something. i can't just keep living like this...disgusted with myself and everything i do.
tomorrow will be good. yay yay yay. i need to do my history assignment but i really can't be fucked. the school will love my mutilated body but i doubt they will notice. they never have before because my pain is invisible to them. only my mistakes can be seen. like aimee will open up to people even if its not really opening up. she will let them see a part of her pain. or at least let them know she if fucked up. i don't...not to adults. they are like a different species..too full of poison to ever really understand anything. to set on the fact that all teenagers are weird creatures.
fight for life or grovel to death.
i think i can be something but i don't know what. and i don't how i can in this situation with these people and this hatred. change myself i change my life. it is not running away.
i have a headache. i need to slip into halfdeath.
freeze my feelings and smash them up with a hammer. pick up the little pieces and put them on the fire. take the ashes and let them float through the air and take my pain away.
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