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2005-08-18 - 8:45 p.m.

i hate hope.. it is such a lying emotion. it was coming back again and now everythings gone. just like that. bang. and my life is running away and i can't catch up.

i got suspended. but i don't care about that. it means nothing. but aimee might get expelled..and she's leaving at the end of the year. i could handle that. with zoe there. but now zoe might not be there. because of all this shit they might take her away from me. i can't lose both best friends at once. i can't. they said we threatened people by talking about a massacre. we didn't threaten anyone directly. people got scared. but they hurt us and they hurt us and it doesn't matter. they don't listen to our pain until it affects them 2. fine if we die. go ahead. do it you freaks. and i have to pretend everythings alright. my life is nothing without my friends. if zoe's leaving i don't want to live this anymore. its final. i'm dead if she goes. and you'll all think its just words again. but its not. i have nothing to live for anymore. i hurt so bad. its clawing at me. i can't handle it. i can't cope anymore. my world is crashing. all i want is to die. please. i need to let go. i need to get away from this. i hate myself so much. i'm cutting but its not helping. it makes me angrier and want to slam the blade into my skin. but i haven't. not yet. i'm writing a suicide note. i'll put it on when i'm finished. hopefully i won't chicken out this time.

my head hurts. my eyes hurt. my heart hurts. i hurt. and i want to fix all the pain.
sometimes you need to use a permanent cure for just a temporary thing. sometimes its the only way you can see.

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