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2005-07-13 - 10:05 p.m.

i was reading...i was reading about this girl that killed herself. her father beat her up and then got her arrested coz he said that she assaulted him. then they took everything of hers aways...clothes...everything as a punishment. so she overdosed. and not many people in her family seemed to care. but it hurt reading that pain of her sister. and that stuff makes me cry so i had to stop reading. her name was kasey lynn egger.

regret is a dull and rusted blade.

so yeah. why do the thoughts of my death become more and more persistant? and i consider it everyday. and push myself further towards it. and its not the bleak depression it was last year. it just tiredness and sadness. my words are all weary. and people say that i am just being a teenager. fine. then let me be another teenager and i'll see if its somewhat similar. i know everyone goes through their pain. and many of them can deal with it. and i hate that because that makes them stronger than me. unless its all denial and i just do not have the power to deny the truth. i don't know. most of them i suppose if you found out that issue that affected them and talked about it for ages, you could probably make them cry. I read anything about the death of someone young it hurts me. Yet i want to die. wouldn't that put me off dying. i long for that freedom and i want to see what is there. and i would do it. it wouldn't be just another attempt to add to the list. so if i was dead would everyone read this diary and get some insight into the reasons?

i also read that if they show coverage of suicide then it increases the suicide rate. But it can help people. and let them know and realise that someone around them might be hurting that bad. and that maybe theres somemone there to help them if they are hurting. covering up the fact that suicide exists is not the right thing to do. it is a big part of our society and many people have absolutely no idea that it is even going on. north queensland has the highest suicide rate basically in australia and i had no idea. no bloody idea. because they don't tell you. and they don't mention it ever. why hide what exists? it is there. its not just going to go away and councilling often does not help at all. My counciller was shit. didn't do a thing for me. stop pretending that suicide doesn't affect you people. it does. what if someone you dearly love decides to take their own life. maybe then you will somewhat understand what we go through. and why we hate having to act as if we don't feel like we do. otherwise we get angry words and told to hush. they need to accept us and let us speak our minds even if it isn't what they want particulary want to hear.

i can kill myself. i can.
but i'm waiting.
for something more to show itself.
but nothing seems to come.
and everything seems to get worse.
i'm losing my best friend.
and i get so tired it hurts.
and my thoughts...oh god my thoughts..they terrify me. i have to distract myself so i don't think properly because then i will drive myself into such fear. and such paranoia. AND THEY THINK THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!!!

i am more poisoned than any of them.
i hide the pain around the normals.
attempt to show the pain around the dark ones.

and try to become everything everyone wants me to be.

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