2005-07-25 - 8:19 p.m.
Leave me alone I'm a freak. Everywhere I go they all stare. I don't understand why they care. And I don't want to be part of your world and I don't want to see the things you see. Can't you understand how I feel? Can't you let me be? - Apoptygma Berzerk
Existance does not necessarily mean a life. Just because I'm breathing, it doesn't mean I am human. I am above you all. I am something evolved. Heartless. So why does every word they say hurt? Why do I care so much? And why am I expected to stay on this earth when I am not welcome anyway?
I swear I used to be normal. A sheep. The same as the rest. I wore the fashionable clothes and I had a lot of friend. But that wasn't me. I was created to be different. That would be fine if difference was accepted in this society.
Now I am in this situation. Having the power over life or death. I cannot find reason for continuing life apart from my family. I have no friends. I thought I did. I thought Azza was my friend. But she is one of them now. She's joined the crowds, and collapsed under the pressure to be normal. And said things about me. The freak. The loner.
My family would be better off without me. I'm just ruining their lives. I ruin everyone's life. Something must be wrong with me. I need to be isolated. Away from the rest of humanity so I can't hurt them.
I don't want to exist anymore. Death is so inviting. I'm going to die one day. Why not now? Why postpone? I hurt so bad. I cry every night. I think I'm going crazy. Everything is a blur. by night, I've forgotten the morning, by morning I've forgotten the night. Life is my prison. Death will be my freedom.
But I am scared. I cannot imagine what it will be like. Cutting and bleeding is one thing. Death is another. Maybe the pain will not go away. My family will hurt because of my death. There will be tears. I do not want to make them cry. Why should I have to suffer? I know suicide is the easy way out. I want the easy way out for a once. I remember a conversation I had with my mother. Well, more like an argument. After she saw my cuts.
'I don't want to live. You people won't let me die!'
I realised then that she was right. I didn't even know who I was. Now I do. The nobody. If you keep pushing someone they'll eventually push back. They never stopped. Always with their words. Humans are so cruel. They like to inflict pain.
Cutting is just a cry for attention. All I want is for people to care about me but I do not know if that could ever happen. Not everybody will find someone special. What if I am this alone for the rest of my life? I am already reclusive. I barely leave the house. In 20 years, what will I be? Going outside means facing their looks. Their hatred. Everytime they say something I fall a little further. Soon I will hit the bottom.
I cannot continue in this life with their words haunting me. I shouldn't have to. I want to make my point. I am something. I do feel pain. And they're guilt will be my happiness after death. I will leave a note. It will say: To my family, I love you. To my friends, you were everything to me and To my enemies, you ruined my life. You know who you are. This is all you fault. You kill the freak. Happy now. Love Alwayz. Della. It is short. But it says what I want it to. This is the end. These are my last few minutes. And all I feel is happiness. This was the right choice